A New Journey

Today has been one of those rare days where I actually feel like a normal human being for a change. I went to the store, did some Pilates, folded laundry, and felt this overall, sustained energy throughout the day. It’s been one of those days where all my ambitions float to the surface because I feel, for the briefest of moments, like I can accomplish anything and everything. I’m even trying to set up a brand new workout/weight loss plan for myself.

What scares me most about that, though, is that tomorrow I’ll want to abandon all the plans I made today because I will be exhausted from having used up all this mystical energy trying to do things I can’t do on a normal day for me. This has happened to me before with all my previous workout plans, where I lay everything out so I won’t have to think about it, and then I have one particularly rough day and everything starts to slide until finally I just give up. And while I’m sure there’ll be critics out there saying stuff like I’m not trying hard enough or I just have commitment issues, that’s not it. I gave up coffee and caffeinated sodas at the end of January for the sake of my anxiety and haven’t looked back since. I allow myself an odd soda here or there, an 8-oz can, but it takes me all day to sip it down, and I can no longer physically drink regular coffee because of how much it sucks the life out of me. I’m even cutting back on my decaf coffee and sweets because I don’t need them as much. Especially with the sweets, the cravings have gone down considerably.

My problem of late seems to be an energy problem. I simply don’t have the energy to work out. Even yoga can take too much effort, despite the fact that I know I’ll feel better if I do it. That’s why this current plot scares me. I know tomorrow I won’t have this same level of energy, because I will have used it all today. But I’m determined to make it stick, to make some necessary changes to make sure I keep to it, and to have a difficult heart to heart with myself regarding my relationship with food and with myself. It’s scary, but I started this blog with the intention of reinventing myself after having lost a lot of it to narcissists and abusers. This will be another part of my journey…

A Year Later…

I did not realize it had been just over a year since my last post and I apologize for that. It has been a ridiculously busy year to say the least so try to bear with me as I prepare this update for you.

First off, a few days after last year’s post regarding the stress of looking for a job, apartment, and a cat, I had my second ever seizure. This, unfortunately, led to several months of uncertainty, frustration, and unanswered questions as I saw doctor after doctor to try and figure out what could be the cause of this particular seizure. My first seizure had happened four years prior, but both had happened during times of intense stress and emotional turmoil so initially my dad and I both thought they might be psychogenic nonepileptic seizures, which, put simply, are seizures not brought on by electrical discharges in the brain. Long story short, after trying three different anti-epileptic drugs and changing neurologists several times, I finally found an epilepsy specialist who told me that I have juvenile myoclonic epilepsy specifically (as opposed to generalized epilepsy) and he prescribed me my current anti-epileptic drug (the fourth one I’ve had to try). However, because I’m either so sensitive to medication and/or side effects, or my JME is very mild, I can only take the smallest possible dose of this medication without its side effects affecting my other medications. And thankfully, this is not the type of epilepsy that affects my ability to play video games.

So, on top of my generalized and social anxiety disorders (because I have now been diagnosed with both), I have this epilepsy to deal with as well. And its primary triggers are basically the same as the anxiety disorders: stress and sleep deprivation. I’ve been told excessive alcohol use can trigger a seizure as well, but I don’t drink because of my migraines so that won’t be an issue for me.

Also during this past year, I have been trying to get on disability and I did finally get approved a few weeks ago after filing an appeal earlier this year. But all the hoop-jumping was very stressful for me because it was excruciating to try to explain and put down on paper what my anxiety can do to me so that the determination committee could understand how limited I am in what I can do in my daily life. Yes, I have days where I can go out and do things like grocery shopping and be social, but those days are far and few between and I usually need a day to recover from it. Plus being in therapy and learning cognitive behavioral therapy has given me helpful coping methods to be able to handle stress and social situations better than I could before. But medication and therapy aren’t cure-alls for everyone. For me, it helps even my moods out and makes it so that I don’t cry over every little mishap. I just feel like it would be hard for anyone with a mental illness to try and explain what they’re going through to someone who has never experienced it.

For the moment, though, I believe I’m ok in a medical sense. All of my meds are cooperating with each other with minimal side effects. I’m journaling pretty regularly to help with the anxiety and I’ve been continuing with the crocheting. My little amigurumi dolls have been selling sporadically, but I’m going to keep making them because it helps calm me down and there are patterns I haven’t done yet. If you’re interested in seeing what I create, please follow the link here to check out my page, Nerdvana Crafts. I am still working to get an Etsy page started, but I have a laundry list of things I want to do after my Christmas show in November to help move the process along, like take new pictures of everything that’s currently available, write up new descriptions, etc.

But for now, I need to take a break and go lay down for a bit. Have a great day, my lovelies. ❤

Making Big Decisions With Anxiety

You know how when you decide to change jobs or move to a new place, you get all jittery with excitement and nerves about how it’ll all turn out?

Now imagine magnifying those feelings by ten, to the point where you’re so anxious about the end results you make yourself sick and you can’t fall asleep no matter how tired you are. And your sleep deprivation leads to a migraine, which leads to being unable to function for almost an entire day, and even when you do start to feel better and able to function, your fatigue is so overwhelming, you still can’t do much more than watch a little TV and go back to sleep.

That was how my day went yesterday. On Tuesday some friends and I went to the local animal shelter to look at pets and I found the most beautiful cat I’ve ever seen. I had such a profound bond with that cat that I could’ve adopted her right on the spot. Except that I can’t take care of her financially and I don’t have a home to take her to (because my dad isn’t on board with it). However, while I was browsing the humane society’s website, I noticed they had job opportunities, one of which included a cat room attendant.

Based on the job tasks listed, it sounds like a person hired for this position would spend most of their shift taking care of the cats and cleaning, both tasks I’m capable of doing. If there’s minimal human interaction, this could be a perfect job for someone with anxiety. Unfortunately they were closed yesterday so I haven’t heard back from them yet about the job. But in the hopes that I would hear back, I started looking for apartments in the area, made a couple of appointments, and even took a tour of one (though the one I looked at was disgusting).

For most normal people, undertaking these tasks would bring about more excitement for the possibilities of change and while I did feel some excitement at first, especially at the thought of living alone and being able to decorate my own way, I was overcome with anxiety about possibly having to move within the week, having a new job while waiting for disability to respond, and doubts about being able to do the job and survive on my own because I don’t know how much the job will pay or if I’ll still be able to get disability benefits while working.

I worked myself up so much that my sleep deprived migraine worsened, I took a two hour nap after taking a shower, and after seeing the one apartment, I took another hour long nap while waiting for my meds to kick in. And even then, the meds only dulled the throb in my left temple.

As it stands now, on Thursday, I’m still sleep deprived, having tossed and turned for over an hour again last night (but eventually sleeping deeply enough to be more functional today), still fighting a migraine, but overall more relaxed about the possibility of big changes in my life. Yesterday’s lack of functionality was the aftermath of an extended period of high anxiety. Even so, knowing the feelings were temporary didn’t make them easier to handle in the moment.

Networking

Hey all! I’m keeping busy in my little workshop and so far, I have almost all the Disney princesses made in one particular collection. I’m missing Merida and Ariel for this one, but I also need to make Anna and Elsa, and hopefully Moana at some point.

However, this past weekend I did something that was both very scary and very rewarding in the end. I’ve never been one for networking with other people in any particular field. I’m even afraid to network with other writers, though I have in the past on occasion. Sharing some of my deepest and most personal thoughts and written pieces gives me a lot of anxiety so I tend to hide them, and the same feelings bubbled up in me when I went to a craft expo in a nearby city.

It was a fairly large event with vendors who were selling only homemade items, so it would have been the perfect venue for me to have showcased some of my items had I known about it months before. But I opted to go anyway just to see if I could get some connections within the community and maybe some new interested customers. When I got there, I was scared to death about what to say, who to approach, whether anyone would want to take my card…all these negative thoughts came in to try and dissuade me from talking to anyone.

But once I started talking to some of the vendors, all those worries went away because everyone I talked to was so welcoming and supportive, and they knew exactly how I was feeling, having been there once themselves. Their comfort with discussing the process and giving advice made me feel at ease and made me comfortable talking about my own processes and concerns. And to my greatest surprise and relief, everyone I talked to took my card! Of course, I took cards from each of them as well and did my part in liking their pages on Facebook.

Afterwards I was glad that I went, even though I felt drained once I left, but it was definitely worth the trip to get the advice and the insight from people who have been in my shoes. For now, while I wait for a letter for a future convention I applied for, I’ll keep making amigurumi dolls for Marvel, Star Wars, and Disney (none of which I am affiliated with), and hope I get some orders coming in.

**If you’re interested in seeing what’s available, please click here and check out my page! I am currently only listed on Facebook, but can accept PayPal payments.

Self Awareness

Hey everyone! I’m back online after several days of hassling with moving in and unpacking and organizing. Sadly not for myself, but rather a friend who needed some extra help. Anyway, here’s the latest update for me.

As it turns out, the fatigue and depression symptoms I was feeling were adverse side effects of a new medication I had started taking only 5 weeks ago. I only developed this thought on Thursday night around 9:30 pm when I was suddenly alert and feeling more like normal (though half battling a migraine while waiting for the meds to kick in). Given that my entire June had been jam packed with social activities, it was easy for the medicine’s side effects to be masked by general fatigue, since socializing takes its toll on me all the time. However, with how little I actually did this past week, the constant fatigue that was all-encompassing and the eventual depression symptoms seemed out of place with how I normally am.

So the next morning, I called my doctor and told her all about these new symptoms, asking to be taken off the medication or maybe put on a lower dose, since it was technically prescribed for migraine prevention (and it had worked for those four weeks). Thankfully I also had a therapy appointment that morning so when I described my week to my therapist, she also agreed that it was likely a side effect of the medication because I didn’t take it that Friday morning and I felt like normal. Which I really needed because I had to pick up my friend Jerad from the airport and I needed to be alert for that since it was an hour long drive both ways.

My therapist was not only excited that I had done my “homework” (that being a cognitive behavioral exercise in journaling) for when I had these depression-based thoughts, but that I was even able to identify that these weren’t my thoughts. It might have taken several days to do it, but she was impressed by my self awareness and being able to recognize foreign thoughts. That being said, however, achieving even that level of self awareness was a long journey. I’m still working on sorting out my feelings versus others’ feelings that I’m absorbing.

If you’re still working on your own self awareness, that’s perfectly ok! It takes a lot of work, just like any other thing related to the self, such as self esteem and confidence. Trust me, I’m still on that road myself. So this might sound like a broken record, but here’s some tips from someone who’s been there.

1. Don’t underestimate the power of writing. Even if you’re not a fan of writing, just the act of writing down your negative or repetitive thoughts can help calm you down and put you back in focus. If you’re mad about something, write it down and then rip the paper up, or burn it if you’re feeling adventurous and have a way to extinguish the fire if need be. I once wrote an angry letter to a former friend (WITHOUT sending it, of course!), just to air out all my grievances with her and vent my frustration over continuing to let thoughts of her ruin my days, and once I was done writing the letter, I shredded it. I felt so much better afterwards.

2. Find a quiet place. If you work in an office type setting, this might include somewhere like a stairwell no one uses or even the bathroom. Find somewhere quiet to sit down and take several deep breaths. You can close your eyes if you want; I usually find that that helps because it brings your focus solely to your breathing. Take three to four deep breaths, until you’ve calmed down and the thoughts have been reined in. You don’t have to dismiss them entirely, but calming the body down helps you make more rational decisions, especially if the situation made you emotional in the first place. Say, for example, you got passed over for a promotion again and you’re furious about it because you’ve been doing great work since you started, you’re a fast learner, etc. If you really like your job, marching into the boss’s office and yelling at them about it isn’t going to help the situation much. But if you take some time to breathe and calm down, then you have the ability to go into their office and ask them calmly why that other person was chosen instead.

3. Watch an episode or two of your favorite show. If your show’s not on cable or on demand, pop a DVD in and watch a movie instead. Something you’ve seen a hundred times but still enjoy watching. Studies have shown that watching something over and over again brings about a sense of control because you already know what’s going to happen. Once you get that feeling of control and calm back, you can recognize and rationalize the feelings that were upsetting you and figure out why you were feeling them.

That’s it for now! Take care! ❤

One of the Bad Days…

This post may not be like what I usually write so please bear with me. Normally, I try to write uplifting posts, like how I dumped a toxic friend and am finally happy, etc. But today I’m having one of my “bad” days and I’m trying not to disqualify the positive things I’ve accomplished already, but it’s hard. Not even my usual coping methods are helping.

I keep circling back to thoughts of how I don’t feel like I’m making any progress, especially with the week I’ve had, with fighting constant fatigue and always wanting to be left alone. And once I start down that road, it’s like a whirlpool; it’s hard to fight my way back up. I start thinking about how long it takes me to get to mundane, everyday tasks like making the bed or getting dressed, if I even get dressed at all. How my day doesn’t “officially” start until late morning now, when I used to be able to be up and ready to go by 9 am. I guess technically my day doesn’t start until after I’ve done my workout and showered, which has been happening later and later because I put off doing the workout until almost 10 am.

Sometimes I’ll be so tired, for whatever reason, and spend all afternoon laying down. I don’t always sleep, but just laying down can sometimes take the edge off. But it’ll be dinner time and I won’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything besides just getting out of bed. Which is usually not the case. Like today for example; it’s 2 pm and I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything, but in actuality, I’ve completed all four tasks on my to-do list. They were small things that required only minimal effort, but I did get them done.

I’m just scared that this is my new reality. For every social interaction, every small task, every move I make or step I take to leave me so exhausted I need a nap disproportionate to the task that was undertaken. This is also why I’m scared to apply for disability, to be told that my condition isn’t “disabling” enough to qualify for benefits. But I’m applying anyway because if this is truly my new reality, despite all my efforts to try and get better, I’m not sure I can hold another job when just leaving the house for a doctor’s appointment wears me out. And I hate that feeling.

Four Steps for Self Care

Now that I’ve gotten the business writing/sales pitch out of me, I can provide an update on my mental sanity.

Since I started seeing a therapist at the beginning of the year, I’ve learned to use several new coping techniques, most of which have helped me in the moment and slowed or stopped an anxiety attack. But they do nothing for the aftermath of the attack’s buildup or the perceived anxiety that is consistently flowing. As such, after prolonged periods of socializing, I’m beyond exhausted. I’m tired mentally, physically, and emotionally. Coping only does so much.

However, there are some small advantages to my ever-present anxiety. Sometimes I can harness it into productive anxiety and focus my energy into my crafting business. Or like today, for instance, I can use it to take care of mundane household tasks like changing sheets, catching up on shows, and making new posts. And while all of that still drains my energy, at least I have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

With starting my own business, some of my other hobbies have taken a backseat. My  story writing was one of them, as was my reading list. I’ve been gaming here and there, mostly Zelda games that don’t require much of my time because I know them so well I don’t struggle with them anymore. Mostly when I need some self care, I find a quiet isolated corner and hide there for as long as I can until I’m ready to be around people again. That being said, here are a few things that I do to calm down and take care of myself.

1. Journaling. One of the best ways for me to calm down and manage my chaotic thoughts is simply to write them down, and my therapist would agree with me. In fact, she’s told me she wishes all her clients would take to journaling. In all fairness to her, though, not everyone enjoys writing the way I do so I understand if this isn’t right for everyone. What I find most helpful about journaling, though, is that it helps make whatever’s bothering me more tangible and thus, more manageable. Plus journaling doesn’t require any special items. Just some paper and something to write with. Even if you just jot down a repetitive thought on a Post-It note and throw it away, that can help bring your anxiety down.

2. Yoga and Meditation. As cliche as it might sound, yoga and meditation can slow the mind down. However, I believe that meditation can be done in multiple ways, not just sitting quietly and listening to your breathing. Meditation can be done during any activity you find pleasurable. It could be during a morning run, where all you focus on is putting one foot in front of the other, or what most consider traditional meditation, sitting quietly and breathing to quiet your thoughts. The reason I put yoga together with meditation is because that combination is what works for me. Whatever activity you choose to do, use that to focus only on the activity itself.

3. Take a Nap. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is rest. Find a dark quiet place, grab a cozy blanket and pillow, and lay down for 10 minutes. If you can only spare 5 minutes, then lay down for 5 minutes. You’ll feel refreshed and maybe even ready to take on one of your tasks.

4. Watch YouTube. Find some cute animal videos and watch them. Everyone loves watching puppies and kitties at play and they can calm you down. It’s a small thing, but it can make all the difference.

That’s it for now, but you can always check online for additional tips on self care. If you have your own care routine, kudos to you! I’m off to work on my own self care routine.

Trials of Self Employment

Sorry it’s been so long since my last post. As it turns out, starting and running your own business, even a small one, requires a lot of time, energy, and dedication, which has kept me beyond busy the past six months. Who knew, right?!

All joking aside, since my new work involves making plush toys, 80% of my time has been spent crocheting new dolls and fulfilling custom orders. The other 20% has been doing busy-work, like creating inventory lists, invoice trackers, expense spreadsheets, and trying to get set up on various sites like Etsy to be able to sell to more people. Which, for someone with little to no business/management experience, has been a challenge for sure. Even my sales skills could use a refresher, though after my first craft show, those skills did start to come back to me.

For those who are curious, my new little business is called Nerdvana Crafts, which can be found on Facebook here. Right now, I only have the Facebook page up and running, but with that page, future updates will be added.  Part of the reason for this is that I’ve been kept busy with custom orders for six months so I don’t have much inventory as of yet and thus didn’t have the necessary funds or products to be able to open up an Etsy shop. But now, my custom orders have taken a lull so I can focus on new inventory in order to set up shop.

If you’re interested in something, my repertoire consists of Disney princesses, Marvel superheroes, the cast of Frozen, Star Wars, and some Zelda characters, primarily Link in his different tunics and his fairy companions. I can also do custom people as well, as long as I’m given specific parameters: hair color/length, clothing styles and colors, and desired character size, to name a few. Feel free to email me at nerdvana.crafts.ls@gmail.com for a quote! I use cotton acrylic yarn, polyester fiberfill, and plastic safety eyes.

For more examples, please click here.

How Yoga Changed My Life

Growing up I always saw yoga as only being for stuck up snobs who thought they were better than everyone else or just for skinny people. But once I graduated college, I decided to give it a try because after all the Zumba I was doing, I desperately needed some stretching to even out. And to my surprise, I found that I quite enjoyed yoga.

It all started with this YouTube playlist called the 30 Day Yoga Challenge (which you can find here) and I was looking for anything to get me into a habit so I clicked on day one. Turns out the instructor, Erin Motz, aka Bad Yogi, was the total opposite of what I expected from a yoga teacher! She was funny, she was down to earth, and she made yoga accessible to someone like me, who is quite full figured and not stick thin.

After I finished day one, I felt fantastic and looked forward to coming back for day two. As each day passed and I completed each class, I found that I enjoyed Erin’s teaching style. She made me want to come back for more. And on top of that, all the stretching I was doing made me feel better.

Yoga taught me how to have better posture. Instead of just saying to stand up straighter, it taught me how to straighten and stretch out my spine so that I actually felt what good posture should feel like. Yoga taught me how to be mindful of my body and Erin very kindly told us in her videos not to push past our limits because some of the harder poses could seriously hurt us. Now I know which pain to push through and how to relax my muscles in a stretch when I’m a bit stiffer. And the flexibility that has come with doing yoga for 5 years was definitely worth it! When I first started my Pigeon pose, I couldn’t come down into my elbows and my hips were fairly high off the floor. Now, not only can I come down onto my elbows and my hips are nearly touching the floor, but on a good day when I’m really warm and stretched out, I can rest my forehead on my mat and stretch my arms out around my head. And on top of that, when I am sitting up, I can reach back and actually grab my foot to pull for a quad stretch, whereas I couldn’t even reach my foot before.

In addition to Pigeon, I can now manage to get into a headstand, as long as I’m next to a wall, when before I couldn’t even manage to get up into a headstand. I used to not be able to hold plank pose for more than a couple seconds and now I can hold it for 30 or more seconds on my hands, and 60+ seconds on my forearms. And one of Erin’s more unique videos, I think, would be the one focused on hands and wrists. I had to agree with her statement that not everyone would even think they had tight hands, though as a writer it was not that big a shock to me. But I’ve watched her hands and wrists video so much that I have it memorized and I incorporate it into my daily routine because it’s so much more than just a yoga video for me. It’s a necessity because I am constantly doing stuff with my hands, whether that’s excessive typing or crocheting or writing or whatever. And her stretches make it easier for me to relieve some of the tension in my hands and wrists and it’s made all the difference.

Lastly, and most importantly, yoga taught me the joy of just sitting still and being quiet with myself. In its own way, it’s not only become my regular stretching practice but it’s also become a form of meditation for me. I can focus on the moves and my breathing, quietly keep time in my head for each move when I’m doing my own flow, and just drown everything else out. Which, for someone with anxiety that’s worsened in the past few years, some mental peace and quiet is much needed. And I don’t have to be moving through a flow to meditate. I can sit quietly on my mat and close my eyes, because once I hit that mat, no matter what time of day or whatever’s going on in my life, everything pauses around me. Being on my mat clears my head, gives me focus, and most importantly, calms my body down, all of which are important for slowing or stopping an anxiety attack from happening.

If you’re interested in learning more about Erin’s practices, you can find her YouTube channel here and her blog here. She’s a fantastic teacher and she has her own program now called the Perfect Body Yoga Program, which I hear is amazing (but sadly cannot afford myself). Go check her out and see for yourself. 🙂

Anxiety as a Disability

When people tell me, “What do you have to be anxious about?”, I just want to smack them. Mental health is a HUGE deal lately and as someone with worsening anxiety, I take personal offense to anyone who brushes it off as nothing or says it’s “all in my head.”

Take today for example. My morning was ruined before 9am because of a phone call. It wasn’t anything particularly terrible, like a family death, but in my head, the accusatory tone of the person I was speaking to made me feel like a horrible person for doing what I was instructed (with regards to making the call) and for not knowing all the details of my claim process.

This led to a micro anxiety attack with tears and jaw clenching, and faded into a six-hour fatigue period. This fatigue is from my anxiety and is absolutely no fun at all. I spent most of my morning in a quiet, darkened room, and laying down trying to get comfy and relieve a minor headache. I had a funny show on the TV at a low volume to help distract my mind and I ended up taking a nap around 12:30. I didn’t have the energy to do anything. I didn’t even have the will to do anything except lay down and rest. How do people not think this is disabling?

And this was just after a minor attack. The one time I had a severe attack, I was so exhausted, achy, and fuzzy-brained that I had to call in sick for one entire day, and since it was a Friday, I had the rest of the weekend to recover. But it still took until Monday night for me to even start to feel better. A full four days to recover from a severe attack.

I’ve been tracking and monitoring my anxiety levels for the past two years and it’s progressively been getting worse, to the point where the attacks can be weekly, and the migraines and tension headaches I’ve been having, either as a result of an attack or as a precursor to one from the amount of stress I’ve been under, are up from once or twice a month to three or four times a week. Don’t worry, I’m off to see my doctor next week and I’ve made a list of anxiety symptoms that I believe are interfering with my daily life, as well as questions to ask. I’m also planning to ask if I should be seeing a psychologist more regularly to get a handle on this, because clearly I’m not doing well on my own.

I’m just tired of feeling tired and stressed all the time, and I’m worried that my anxiety will keep me from doing regular work again. Which is a sign that it can be considered a disability. Whether or not the disability agency thinks so is another hurdle I may be having to overcome in the near future.