This post may not be like what I usually write so please bear with me. Normally, I try to write uplifting posts, like how I dumped a toxic friend and am finally happy, etc. But today I’m having one of my “bad” days and I’m trying not to disqualify the positive things I’ve accomplished already, but it’s hard. Not even my usual coping methods are helping.
I keep circling back to thoughts of how I don’t feel like I’m making any progress, especially with the week I’ve had, with fighting constant fatigue and always wanting to be left alone. And once I start down that road, it’s like a whirlpool; it’s hard to fight my way back up. I start thinking about how long it takes me to get to mundane, everyday tasks like making the bed or getting dressed, if I even get dressed at all. How my day doesn’t “officially” start until late morning now, when I used to be able to be up and ready to go by 9 am. I guess technically my day doesn’t start until after I’ve done my workout and showered, which has been happening later and later because I put off doing the workout until almost 10 am.
Sometimes I’ll be so tired, for whatever reason, and spend all afternoon laying down. I don’t always sleep, but just laying down can sometimes take the edge off. But it’ll be dinner time and I won’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything besides just getting out of bed. Which is usually not the case. Like today for example; it’s 2 pm and I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything, but in actuality, I’ve completed all four tasks on my to-do list. They were small things that required only minimal effort, but I did get them done.
I’m just scared that this is my new reality. For every social interaction, every small task, every move I make or step I take to leave me so exhausted I need a nap disproportionate to the task that was undertaken. This is also why I’m scared to apply for disability, to be told that my condition isn’t “disabling” enough to qualify for benefits. But I’m applying anyway because if this is truly my new reality, despite all my efforts to try and get better, I’m not sure I can hold another job when just leaving the house for a doctor’s appointment wears me out. And I hate that feeling.