You know how when you decide to change jobs or move to a new place, you get all jittery with excitement and nerves about how it’ll all turn out?
Now imagine magnifying those feelings by ten, to the point where you’re so anxious about the end results you make yourself sick and you can’t fall asleep no matter how tired you are. And your sleep deprivation leads to a migraine, which leads to being unable to function for almost an entire day, and even when you do start to feel better and able to function, your fatigue is so overwhelming, you still can’t do much more than watch a little TV and go back to sleep.
That was how my day went yesterday. On Tuesday some friends and I went to the local animal shelter to look at pets and I found the most beautiful cat I’ve ever seen. I had such a profound bond with that cat that I could’ve adopted her right on the spot. Except that I can’t take care of her financially and I don’t have a home to take her to (because my dad isn’t on board with it). However, while I was browsing the humane society’s website, I noticed they had job opportunities, one of which included a cat room attendant.
Based on the job tasks listed, it sounds like a person hired for this position would spend most of their shift taking care of the cats and cleaning, both tasks I’m capable of doing. If there’s minimal human interaction, this could be a perfect job for someone with anxiety. Unfortunately they were closed yesterday so I haven’t heard back from them yet about the job. But in the hopes that I would hear back, I started looking for apartments in the area, made a couple of appointments, and even took a tour of one (though the one I looked at was disgusting).
For most normal people, undertaking these tasks would bring about more excitement for the possibilities of change and while I did feel some excitement at first, especially at the thought of living alone and being able to decorate my own way, I was overcome with anxiety about possibly having to move within the week, having a new job while waiting for disability to respond, and doubts about being able to do the job and survive on my own because I don’t know how much the job will pay or if I’ll still be able to get disability benefits while working.
I worked myself up so much that my sleep deprived migraine worsened, I took a two hour nap after taking a shower, and after seeing the one apartment, I took another hour long nap while waiting for my meds to kick in. And even then, the meds only dulled the throb in my left temple.
As it stands now, on Thursday, I’m still sleep deprived, having tossed and turned for over an hour again last night (but eventually sleeping deeply enough to be more functional today), still fighting a migraine, but overall more relaxed about the possibility of big changes in my life. Yesterday’s lack of functionality was the aftermath of an extended period of high anxiety. Even so, knowing the feelings were temporary didn’t make them easier to handle in the moment.