Self Awareness

Hey everyone! I’m back online after several days of hassling with moving in and unpacking and organizing. Sadly not for myself, but rather a friend who needed some extra help. Anyway, here’s the latest update for me.

As it turns out, the fatigue and depression symptoms I was feeling were adverse side effects of a new medication I had started taking only 5 weeks ago. I only developed this thought on Thursday night around 9:30 pm when I was suddenly alert and feeling more like normal (though half battling a migraine while waiting for the meds to kick in). Given that my entire June had been jam packed with social activities, it was easy for the medicine’s side effects to be masked by general fatigue, since socializing takes its toll on me all the time. However, with how little I actually did this past week, the constant fatigue that was all-encompassing and the eventual depression symptoms seemed out of place with how I normally am.

So the next morning, I called my doctor and told her all about these new symptoms, asking to be taken off the medication or maybe put on a lower dose, since it was technically prescribed for migraine prevention (and it had worked for those four weeks). Thankfully I also had a therapy appointment that morning so when I described my week to my therapist, she also agreed that it was likely a side effect of the medication because I didn’t take it that Friday morning and I felt like normal. Which I really needed because I had to pick up my friend Jerad from the airport and I needed to be alert for that since it was an hour long drive both ways.

My therapist was not only excited that I had done my “homework” (that being a cognitive behavioral exercise in journaling) for when I had these depression-based thoughts, but that I was even able to identify that these weren’t my thoughts. It might have taken several days to do it, but she was impressed by my self awareness and being able to recognize foreign thoughts. That being said, however, achieving even that level of self awareness was a long journey. I’m still working on sorting out my feelings versus others’ feelings that I’m absorbing.

If you’re still working on your own self awareness, that’s perfectly ok! It takes a lot of work, just like any other thing related to the self, such as self esteem and confidence. Trust me, I’m still on that road myself. So this might sound like a broken record, but here’s some tips from someone who’s been there.

1. Don’t underestimate the power of writing. Even if you’re not a fan of writing, just the act of writing down your negative or repetitive thoughts can help calm you down and put you back in focus. If you’re mad about something, write it down and then rip the paper up, or burn it if you’re feeling adventurous and have a way to extinguish the fire if need be. I once wrote an angry letter to a former friend (WITHOUT sending it, of course!), just to air out all my grievances with her and vent my frustration over continuing to let thoughts of her ruin my days, and once I was done writing the letter, I shredded it. I felt so much better afterwards.

2. Find a quiet place. If you work in an office type setting, this might include somewhere like a stairwell no one uses or even the bathroom. Find somewhere quiet to sit down and take several deep breaths. You can close your eyes if you want; I usually find that that helps because it brings your focus solely to your breathing. Take three to four deep breaths, until you’ve calmed down and the thoughts have been reined in. You don’t have to dismiss them entirely, but calming the body down helps you make more rational decisions, especially if the situation made you emotional in the first place. Say, for example, you got passed over for a promotion again and you’re furious about it because you’ve been doing great work since you started, you’re a fast learner, etc. If you really like your job, marching into the boss’s office and yelling at them about it isn’t going to help the situation much. But if you take some time to breathe and calm down, then you have the ability to go into their office and ask them calmly why that other person was chosen instead.

3. Watch an episode or two of your favorite show. If your show’s not on cable or on demand, pop a DVD in and watch a movie instead. Something you’ve seen a hundred times but still enjoy watching. Studies have shown that watching something over and over again brings about a sense of control because you already know what’s going to happen. Once you get that feeling of control and calm back, you can recognize and rationalize the feelings that were upsetting you and figure out why you were feeling them.

That’s it for now! Take care! ❤

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Sewing Project #2 Part 3

Whoa, two and a half weeks and no posts? My apologies! It’s been a hectic couple weeks.

Anyway, my second sewing project, the Pokemon trainer cosplay has been finished!

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I’m happy to report that everything went well, with only one minor accident with the serger where I cut into the sleeve. It wasn’t too big a cut and was easily fixed and could be covered with a Pokemon patch. I’ll be sending it out tomorrow to its intended recipient and hopefully it fits. She already loves it, as I’ve sent her photos of the progress.

In addition, I’ve been working on crocheting more amigurumi, mostly little fairies inspired by Navi from Legend of Zelda. So far, I have 6 done in my “inventory” and yesterday I sold two to my brother for two of his friends. They’re super fun to make and don’t take a whole lot of time. Plus, I’m also hoping to work on other characters, like Link, Mario and Luigi, various Final Fantasy characters, and others. I have a list written down of all kinds of characters I could make. I’m hoping to turn it into a business, since our current workload doesn’t seem to be slowing down any and I’m worn out.

Anyway, this sewing project has given me more confidence in being able to sew on my own, especially with stretchy knits, which are probably what I’m going to be working with most. I also have about 10 patterns for cosplay I need to cut out, ranging from Vincent Valentine to Mal and Zoe from Firefly, and Princess Zelda. I’m excited to do all of them, once I have the money to buy the fabric. But having completed my first cosplay (for someone else), my mood has improved and my stress levels have gone down a little bit, and that’s the important part. ❤

Sewing Project #2: Part 2

Since my last post regarding this sewing project, I have obtained the rest of the fabric needed for the outfit, plus an additional yard and a half of a different, stretchy, pleather-y textured fabric for myself for a cosplay of my own, and I now have everything (I think!) to begin the actual sewing process.

I have a meeting on Saturday with a friend of my mother’s who is a seamstress and knows how to work with stretchy fabrics and will help teach me how to work with them. The only real qualm I have about this meeting is that I’ll be going by myself to her house to work. Normally this wouldn’t be a big deal, as I’ve been to her house twice, I know who she is, and I’ve made friends with her cat.

But for this particular meeting, I think what has my anxiety levels higher than normal is that it was made spur of the moment (we actually set it up yesterday), and because I’ve been extremely stressed out from work (running at 150% for over two months straight with no break except two hours sick leave and four days planned vacation) and not really having any peace and quiet to myself since early last week. I haven’t really had, or given myself time to mellow out and relax and not do anything. I had company Sunday and Monday, and while my parents were both off yesterday, during the time they were gone, I was working. And today, my dad decided to take a sick day and as I’ve mentioned before, he likes to watch TV and I can’t work with the TV on. So I’m hiding in the basement where I’m not as comfortable as I usually am and not having any natural light like normal either.

In any case, come Saturday, I may be hauling my own sewing machine and all of my materials to this woman’s house to start working on the Pokemon trainer cosplay, depending on whether or not she has a class to teach.

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In addition, I finished my first, all-by-myself amigurumi this week! I made them as housewarming gifts for Jerad because I didn’t know what to buy him. So here they are, Toon Link and Navi!

Amigurumi Link and Navi

I’m so proud of both of these, I’m considering making more! Navi can be in different colors and Link can have different colored tunics! I’m excited to get started on them!

Sewing Project #2

After my last sewing project, I was very nervous about doing another one, but as this one is for my best friend, I wanted to try harder to get it done for her for Halloween. This time, however, I chose to go into the store to pick out some of the fabric so I wasn’t as overwhelmed as my first adventure.

This will be my first cosplay attempt. I’m making a Pokemon trainer outfit that includes a romper, half jacket, and belt, and today I bought the fabric for the jacket, jacket/romper trim, and the craft foam for the belt. The pattern is already cut out so I just have to pin the fabric and get it cut out.

The difficulty in this project lies in the type of fabric we’re using. The sweater fleece should be ok, as it’s not too stretchy, but the romper fabric and the trim is an activewear type of fabric, which means it stretches a lot. The pattern calls for stretch knit, specifically activewear, but in getting what I got, it was simply a happy accident that it was the right type and color I needed. Now, I didn’t get all of the fabric I needed. The color that my best friend wanted is considered a fall color so I went in with the intention just to see what, if any, fabric was available in the desired color. Since it was, and there was so little of it, I decided to get it and it was also on sale. I still have to get the black stretch knit for the romper and I’ll do that next week.

But my mother and I have never worked with anything stretchy before so we’re hoping to get some help from a fellow seamstress/sewing teacher, either to help teach us how to sew this fabric without it stretching too much or to commission her to sew it for us. Given the time crunch, it might be more ideal to have her sew it for us, but I personally would like to learn how to sew with stretch knit fabric because I intend to work on several cosplays in the future that may require stretchy fabric. I just need to find time.

Until then, you’ll find me cutting out patterns and watching anime. ❤

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On the plus side, I finished my massive crochet blanket, at least for the moment. I’m still deciding on doing crocodile stitches on the straight edges, but I want to see how they look on the blanket before committing to that particular design. Here’s what the finished product looks like:

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And it’s warm, cozy, and big enough to wrap myself up like a burrito, exactly how I wanted. ^_^

Facing the Future

Yesterday as I was driving home from a weekend at Jerad’s (partially planned, but also started a day early due to lack of internet at home for work purposes), I started thinking down a semi-dark train of thought for me. I was worried, and still am I guess, about finding a mate/lover to spend the rest of my life with. Truth be told, I’m not in a huge rush for one. I have the two greatest friends I could possibly ask for and I’m finally starting to get comfortable with myself. I think the only reason I was so bothered by this yesterday was that I was alone with my thoughts and driving away from a place that made me feel happy and relaxed and calm.

It has gotten to the point that my “home” no longer feels like home. Yes I’m allowed to live here and use the facilities like water, heat, internet, etc. but the only room that feels like mine is my bedroom. Granted, I completely understand that living in my parents’ house means that it’s exactly that: my parents’ house. They make all the decisions regarding furniture, paint, etc. And I know what you’re going to say. Why don’t you move out, get your own place? Trust me, if I could afford my own place, I would be gone in a heartbeat. Don’t get me wrong. I love my parents, but sometimes they’re a bit stifling.

Circling back to my original point, I had ventured down this dark road of, “Oh, I need to find a mate or significant other,” and how I would even begin to do that, and after I was home I had considered looking at several dating apps. Well, that actually made me even more worked up to the point of being in tears before bed. Clearly I am not ready for such a commitment or even making myself that vulnerable to anyone and ironically, actually looking at reviews for dating apps shut the waterworks off in an instant. Looking at some of them snapped my logic on in a big pile of “Nope, nope nope, nope, nope!” Quite frankly, I’m more committed to getting a cat once I can afford it.

Given that I have been under what feels like an enormous amount of stress in dealing with an ever-growing pile of work requiring extra hours just to get caught up, family stresses, and one particularly problematic Hot Topic order, this mental breakdown is perfectly understandable. I’m having to do a lot of adulting stuff on my own, with only two friends to help me unwind and unload on. Doing yoga helps sometimes and playing video games usually helps a lot. But I’ve been so worn down that I can’t even focus enough to write. This entry here is actually coming off a relaxed weekend so I managed to focus enough to put words down in a coherent manner.

So trying to add the stress of joining a dating app and looking for “love” just out of sheer loneliness and not feeling like I fit the typical societal “norms,” on top of my current, high stress levels stemming from work and home, I was basically setting myself up for failure and decided that if I should ever find that one special person to share my life with, great. I would love to have a perfectly imperfect romance with someone and be able to have my own family,  to enjoy (and suffer through) the joyous miracle of being a mom. But for now, I’m content with letting love find me while I continue working on myself and overcoming my own obstacles and insecurities. Until next time…<3

Post Vacation Madness

So I’ve had a crazy day. In coming back from vacation over the past five days, I was sent an email saying that I had gone into the negative with my paid time off and that technically I shouldn’t have been able to do that, but it happened and so I would not be able to take any paid vacation off for the rest of the year in order to “pay back” the time I’m currently negative. Quite frankly, I don’t think it’ll take an entire five months to pay it back, but what do I know? But the good news here is that I have no foreseeable “planned” vacations coming up in the next five months to worry about needing that paid time off.

That one email put me into panic overdrive mode and made me feel quite overwhelmed with things I wanted to do today. Not even things that absolutely needed to be done. To put it simply, my mind felt like a very busy train station, with six different trains running on six different but criss-crossing tracks and they continually ran the risk of colliding with each other.

After taking several deep breaths, I calmed down enough to make a list of things I wanted to get done and slowly did them one by one throughout the day. One of them was to sort through a massive pile of stuffed animals, mostly monkeys, and pick ones to donate/get rid of. While I was in college, my favorite band was called 100 Monkeys and my family and friends made it their mission to get me 100 monkeys and some time last year they succeeded. So I took one massive “family” picture of most of the monkeys and then sorted through them to divide them between keep and donate. Part of my desire to do this I blame on the show “Hoarders,” which I watched while I was on vacation because my best friend loves it, and while I don’t mind watching it, it makes me want to clean and sort and organize, etc. The other part of this desire to clean is from a genuine place of reducing clutter and initially I wanted to clean out the laundry basket these monkeys were sitting in so I could actually use it as a laundry basket. However, that didn’t work out so well because now the basket is full of the Disney toys that had been sitting on top of all the monkeys!

Now, granted, I still love monkeys, so I’m not getting rid of all 100, but I also realize that, with all of the other stuffed animals and other miscellaneous “nerd” stuff I have neatly arranged in various places in my room, I need to make space for new stuff and move some of the old stuff out. This is, in itself, a process and a time consuming one at that. Ideally, I’d like to go through all of my dressers, my closet, and a clear stacked “tower” and see if I can’t weed some non-essential things out of there. But I need to find time first.

So monkey wrangling was only one (well technically two) item on my list of things to do. The next two were fairly simple. One was to write a check to my dad to pay him back for several things he paid for me while I was gone. The other was to do some math for a store I wanted to buy from and find out how to get the best deal. Well, turns out the store had a flash sale so I ended up completing my transaction immediately and within my self imposed budget based off my latest paycheck. This will be my birthday gift to myself when it arrives. As for the check writing…well, I haven’t gotten to it yet, because I still need to finish working and then I need to balance out my checkbook.

The third item was actually making up a blog post. Since my mind was going a million miles a minute, making up this post actually helped to calm me down and slow down enough to remain calm throughout the day. This was probably the easiest one to do once I got rolling. I did a lot of venting this morning to my best friend so most of that was already off my chest.

Last on my list was making up several YouTube video playlists for working out. I have yet to find a good balance for me, since I love yoga for the stretching out, but I also like/need more cardio and strength training, which is where Pilates comes in, and a lot of the videos I end up watching become too challenging for me and it takes me a good hour just to get half an hour of actual working out done because I have to keep stopping. So my mad plan this morning was to do my cardio/Pilates once a week on alternating Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and yoga for the rest of the week. However, the yoga won’t all be just stretching routines. I know of some that include body weight based strength training in the flows. This task is easily the most time consuming. It will require making multiple playlists with multiple videos for different groups of body parts and searching for said videos to put in the playlists. I wholeheartedly believe this will be the definition of madness. If I get it done yet tonight, it’ll be a miracle.

The only relaxing thing I’ll get to do is some crocheting while watching one of my cooking shows. I’m making a very small, 3-inch figure of the spotted elephant from Rudolph for a friend. Last I recall, I had finished the head, body, and ears. Oh! Speaking of which, the Bumble has been finished and delivered to its new home. The recipient was absolutely delighted by it, even if mom did sew the arms on upside down.

So yes, my day has been quite hectic by my normal standards and to top it all off, last night on my ride home, I learned that I would have relatives coming up this weekend for our town’s annual festival for the drunks, and quite honestly, my first thought was, crap! That’ll cut into my gaming time!

Until next time, read on, peace out, and find time to chillax once in a while. Everyone needs their chill time.

Writer’s Block

Writer’s block…the bane of writers everywhere. That feeling of wanting to write but not being able to put words to paper (or laptop). It’s beyond frustrating.

I’ve been stuck on and off for several months, and I think the only reason I managed to finish a crucial character profile yesterday was because I sat down and forced myself to do it. Plus, with a little help from my best friend, she helped talk me through the remaining details I needed.

Currently I’m stuck mainly because there’s a five year old running around and she’s very distracting. In a good and a bad way. Good because I love her to death and I love hearing her play and getting to play with her. Bad because she likes to scream as loud as she possibly can and can also be equally loud during a tantrum. Since I’m visiting her and her mommy, my best friend, it’s a bit difficult to get some quiet time during the day except when little one is down for a nap. That, on top of six seasons of My Little Pony, two seasons of Littlest Pet Shop, and feeling stifled in general with my story, has left me in a constant state of writer’s block, and hearing only the voices of the various ponies from MLP.

However, I must admit, I’ve been having fun and this small child has been giving me prime examples of how to show someone being temperamental. She’s the definition of temperamental. Now I just have to translate it to the behavior of a teenager without them sounding angsty. Not sure how I’m going to do that…