A Little Self Reflection

I am a sucky friend. Some days I’m not even sure why people want to be friends with me. I tell myself and others that I’m delightful and fun to be around, but right now, I’m not so sure. I’m needy, and a bit clingy and selfish. I don’t always pick up on subtle clues that something’s wrong with someone else or I do/say something that I think is innocent but sometimes comes off hurtful or snarky, and I can’t take it back or apologize enough.

And I’m not saying this for pity’s sake or attention or anything like that. Nor am I doing it to upset anyone for making me feel bad. As the title suggests, I’m doing a little self reflection and acknowledging some of my flaws. That’s how we get better and grow as people, right?

Yesterday my best friend needed me, and I let her down. I was so absorbed in my game that I didn’t recognize her not talking to me was because she was upset with me. I only thought it was because she was focusing on her homework with a migraine, which is hard enough without having to focus on a side conversation. So I ignored it, and that was wrong on my part.

On the other hand, part of my brain was also stressing about cleaning house this week for having Jerad over for a long “vacation” of sorts and possibly next weekend (Father’s Day) having another mutual friend over for the weekend. Are these friends any more important than my best friend? Hell no. These three people are the most important friends I have and quite frankly, the only ones I think I’ll ever need. So why did two take priority over one?

The only honest to goodness answer I can come up with is because I wasn’t consciously in the moment. I was too wrapped up in my game and focused on future events that I wasn’t focused on the here and now.  I know my anxiety plays a role in that, especially since that whole Gia debacle, I feel that my need to clean house this week is not only for Jerad’s and my sake, but quite possibly an overcompensation on my part to not appear like Gia in resisting the need to clean. (Plus my allergies on top of that; however my new air purifier seems to be working like a charm!)

That being said, I’m going to try to work extra hard today and all future days to put my friends first, and make it up to my best friend so hopefully she can forgive me for letting her down when she needed me.

True Freedom

It’s very freeing, being out from under the yoke of your oppressor.

This was the very first sentence used to start this blog, and now it’s never been truer. When I started this blog, I had only made the mental decision to rid the toxic person from my life. I hadn’t deleted contact info, or social media contacts. I was always worrying about having to reply to awkward texts and having to be polite in them, even though I didn’t want to.

Now I don’t have to do any of that. I’ve deleted the contact info and social media contacts. I no longer expect to get any more texts, especially after I didn’t respond to the last one, though for now I’m keeping it as a reminder of what manipulation looks like. I am truly free.

Which means I can focus all my energy on my hobbies, my gaming, my writing! I’m on my second to last major character profile, which is proving difficult because he’s a mercenary. But I’m still there! My elemental ripple blanket is going so well also. I’ve moved onto the green, though I haven’t taken a full photo with the green on it.

And I’m working on my Final Fantasy gaming challenge, just got past Nibelheim in FF7 and I’m hoping today I can get to disc 2. However my cousin and her girlfriend are up for the weekend, and I don’t know how much time they’ll be spending up here visiting so maybe I won’t get to disc 2. But I’m still going to try.

And with that, my lovelies, I bid you adieu and never forget that you are the key to your own happiness. No one can make you unhappy unless you let them. Be true to yourself, let your nerd flag fly high, and rejoice in whatever makes you happiest. Much love ❤

Life of an Adult

Whatever happened to making simple, uncomplicated plans?

Oh that’s right. We became adults with jobs, and with that great responsibility came an inability to decide on anything without first thinking and overthinking all the possible outcomes. Plus having to ask off the necessary time just to be able to even plan something.

My “circle” of friends used to be able to make easy decisions and plans regarding a meet-up time. We would meet at someone’s dorm at a specific time, do something like go out to eat, and then come back and veg out or play video games or whatever. Even on days when some of us were working, we would go hang out where the person was working.

Now, we can’t even agree on a mode of transportation for how to get to the “central” hangout spot (which is Gia’s apartment and is generally disgusting), or a time to be there. We’ve been going back and forth for half an hour about when to leave, which route to take, who’s driving, how many vehicles will be taken, etc., etc. and all this going in circles is making me sick and tense and just downright annoyed. Why does being an adult make you so wishy-washy? At least when I’m contemplating and overthinking a situation, it’s because of my anxiety and fear is beating out reason with a hammer. Plus the weekend suggested was supposed to be the start of a two week endeavor with Jared, who wanted to hang out with me and do a Legend of Zelda series run by chronology (play all the Zelda games in his possession in the order they were first released), and now that’s been pushed back by those two weekend days.

And on top of that, when I asked politely if Gia could clean her apartment because of my allergies (which is more or less true and a genuine concern for me), I received a semi-genuine response (I think) and two sarcastic ones indicating she would shave her cats and hire a maid service, and to not be surprised if her cats magically had all their fur back by the time we visited. Not only is this an unnecessary response to someone who has been having some serious and constant issues with their sinuses this year, but it’s also not even funny. You think I would’ve asked if I wasn’t genuinely concerned about spending the weekend with an ice pack on my face because my sinuses hurt so much I can’t focus on anything but getting relief?

Now I’ve been told that this is what a narcissist would do/say, and I’m really starting to believe it. Every time Gia says she’s going to clean the apartment, she doesn’t and I end up grossed out by the stack of dirty dishes, scattering of cat toys, and pile of laundry that’s visible from the bathroom, but still disgusting nonetheless. I’m feeling like I need to take a shower already and this “gathering” isn’t for another two weeks. I was actually “done” with the conversation 10 minutes in because I was so exhausted. I’m the youngest of the group and right now, I’m feeling like the only adult here.

Embrace the Chaos

Chaos is part of every day life. I can’t say that right now I am enjoying the chaos I’m currently in, but for me, chaos means keeping busy and work, and I have been swamped for two whole weeks. Possibly three if this week continues the way it has been.

It’s funny that this is the theme I’m going with today because as a general rule, I hate chaos. And by that I mean I hate unstructured chaos. I tend to be a perfectionist with a touch of OCD so I like to have my chaos be a little more structured, and preferably by me. This is why I have a set routine every day, to keep the chaos in check and my anxiety in balance.

But sometimes you just have to go with the flow and embrace the chaos. Take my work for example. Last week, I was expecting to go through stuff for a specific client and be done. I ended up spending several days trying to correct someone’s mistakes and actually got a person disqualified from the project because of their massive screw-up. On top of that, there were two more with massive mistakes that I spent a majority of my time correcting and corresponding with another coworker to get things straightened out. Today and yesterday, I spent all day mostly working on this same client, typing up notes for my new trainee, and fixing a cluster of mistakes. Not exactly how I wanted to spend my day, but it kept me busy at least.

In the evenings, I’ve learned to chill out by doing some of my favorite hobbies. Lately, that’s been writing character profiles and crocheting (which in the warmer temperatures is quite the task due to all the extra sweating!), and on the weekends, I’ve been gaming. I’m up to Final Fantasy VII so yay! My crocheted blanket is at about 35 inches wide, and I’m intending to make it about 80 inches so it’s almost halfway done. And I’m close to finishing my character profiles with the template form I’ve been using (I have a few mythical creatures that wouldn’t fit the same mold as the humans).

Forgot where I was going with that…

Anyway, some days you can follow your normal routine and be just fine. And other days, you just have to roll with the punches and break free from your routine. Spontaneity can be a good thing, as long as you have a way to wind down after whatever brought you out of your routine.

Breaking Point

I’m at a very low point right now. Even though I have a lot to be grateful for, I’m feeling like parts of myself are being chipped away and it’s frightening. I’ve been an emotional wreck all day and am having to fight very hard to keep from rushing to the store to buy something I don’t even just because it’s on sale. I even took an hour and a half drive with no destination in mind just to try and calm down. It didn’t help, but I was mostly ok while I was out driving so I guess there’s that. I feel like I’ve reached my breaking point, and quite possibly my limit.

Like I told my best friend this morning, I’m sick of all the work related emails, which have doubled in the past few months. I’m sick of coming away from both emails and conference calls feeling more scolded than uplifted and encouraged. I was actually upset last night by an email that felt like a personal attack and it’s still bothering me now. I know it shouldn’t, but it read like I was being scolded for doing my fucking job. And this is happening a lot more often lately. Not because I’m doing a bad job, but because I miss one or two tiny little things. I understand they want perfection every time, but no one’s perfect no matter how hard they may try, and I’m a perfectionist so I understand and struggle with that daily.

I’ve been struggling to concentrate all day, all week, possibly all year even…that’s how bad it’s gotten. I’ve been on the verge of an anxiety attack and have even had small bursts of uninhibited crying, like releases of emotion just washing over me to give me some kind of release from all this stress. I’m caught between this vortex of opposing energies, between wanting to do everything and nothing all at once, which will lead to nothing getting done at all. I don’t even know how I’m putting together coherent thoughts right now. The only solace I have right now is my music, my best friend, and being alone.

I’m beyond exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally…it doesn’t help that we had relatives over last night who stayed until midnight and I was trying to sleep, having gone to bed at 11:30 to try and calm down after reading that stupid email shortly beforehand. I have such terrible eye strain that I need to alternate between my two pairs of glasses on a daily basis now, and the only way to really rest my eyes is to sleep or do absolutely nothing but stare at the ceiling. I’ve tried doing my other hobbies without my glasses and the only way that works, and it’s not a given every time, is if I haven’t already been wearing them all day for work. And even though my headaches have mostly gone away now, I still feel like I can’t catch a break. I know people say it has to get worse before it can get better, but I feel like my switch is stuck in the “worse” position and it’ll never get better.

Pre-Midlife Crisis

The reason this is titled the way it is, is because I’m not old enough to be having a midlife crisis, but I imagine this is what it would feel like anyway. Earlier I was trying to take a nap and after half an hour of limited shut-eye, I had a disturbing revelation, though not one I haven’t thought about before, but this time it felt as honest and true as anything I’ve ever felt.

I don’t want to be at my current job for the rest of my life.

If the last year and a half have taught me anything, it’s that I love editing and correcting people’s grammar, but it’s been nothing but a rollercoaster, and not the fun kind either. This has been the kind of rollercoaster that jerks you around and makes you want to vomit at every turn. Not for the first time, I thought, god, I’m bored with this tediousness. The same crap day in and day out, never knowing what to expect in the morning work-wise, and not getting paid enough for some of the bullshit I have to deal with. It’s exhausting. I just don’t feel like I can do it anymore.

More of the people I like working with have already left or are leaving soon and I’m down to maybe three people I actually like to work with because we communicate better than the new people. We’re being sent regular emails about how to improve our “efficiency” or new changes to something, even though we just changed it a few weeks ago. Most recently, we got a harsh email about a spelling mistake in one of our forms, and what’s ironic about that, the person who sent it, as the head of our department, made an error in the first sentence of his email. Ridiculous, right?

I’m not sure how much longer I can suck it up and deal with this nonsense. But I also don’t want to lose my only source of income and I don’t know how my family will take the news. I’m not even sure they will support me if I decide to leave.

Easter Musings

Happy Easter to all of you! Sorry it’s been a while. I just recently went off of the birth control I started because it was giving me migraines and I basically lost a week’s worth of time to them, and I’m still trying to get back to feeling more normal and am not likely to get there until at least next week because my dad has vacation this week. I’m foreseeing a lot of time in this back room sitting at my newish desk with the door closed trying to enjoy my solitude.

Normally  I enjoy holidays because my family is pretty close-knit, but today was just draining. I don’t know if it was just the chaos of getting dinner ready, which I’m not normally a part of, or if I’m still adjusting to my own hormones again, but I am exhausted. I spent a few hours in the basement trying to finish my stupid game so I can actually move on to one I like and I’m still not where I want to be, so I’ll probably be playing that all this week too. I think once I get past the stress of feeling behind schedule with this gaming challenge, even though I’m still a little ahead, I’ll start to feel more relaxed. Although having steady workflow would definitely help too.

The past six weeks, I’ve only had one full work week, and since I only work about 25 hours a week, that’s pretty sad. It’s throwing off my whole schedule and making me seriously consider looking for a different job that can give me more consistent hours. And I love my job, I love what I do, I like a small group of people I work with, but after being promised to have more consistent work coming in, as opposed to this super busy, super slow roller coaster when we were bought out, I’m feeling seriously let down that we now can barely get a full week’s hours in.

And to show just how slow and intermittent we’ve been, I finished crocheting two hats and I finished my first ever sewing project in the last two weeks. The one hat I did in three days between our “busy” hours. I even started a blanket, which I then had to rip out because it was WAY too long, and am now currently on the third row of a significantly smaller blanket with the same ripple pattern. I decided to try and help my mom with her project list by creating my own and so far, I’ve gone through three of them in the past few weeks because we’ve been so slow at work. And I have to admit, even though she didn’t get any of the projects on her list done this past week while she was on vacation, she did get several smaller projects done with the help of her sisters, and I’m proud of her for that.

Aside from this blog post, which was kind of spur of the moment because I needed to clear my head a little and I did want to write something, the only writing I’ve done lately is daily to-do lists and filling out my weekly schedule. There’s been too much chaos to focus on anything, and that could be from the anxiety. Even growing up and going through middle and high school, I had issues with writing when people were around. I especially didn’t like having to write on command for my creative writing classes. It’s gotten better, the writing with people around, but I still need to be in a quiet place by myself and then left alone. Like now. I’m sitting in the back, media room with the door closed and music playing quietly in the background, which is allowing me to focus on this entry and slowly complete my weekly schedule.

I hope all of you had a happy Easter with your families and until next time, don’t be afraid to be yourself and do what makes you happy. Especially when you need to calm yourself and focus your thoughts just to get through the next few minutes.