Lost and Found

Now that things have calmed down a little and I’m more level headed, allow me to give you a little context for my recent explosion.

Monday morning I was sent a group text by Gia about getting together for a summer hangout time, since all four of us were home/in the state (we have a mutual friend who’s going to school in Arizona right now). Along the way of deciding dates and such, I made a simple, polite request for Gia to clean her apartment because of my health issues (allergies, mostly). I even included a remark that my allergies had been getting worse and that anything from animal hair to dust to pollen was aggravating my sinuses. And I knew firsthand that I wouldn’t enjoy myself if I had to spend most of the weekend with an ice pack to my face. Here’s where the first of the sparks fly.

Gia’s first response was half-heartedly sincere, but she had to point out that she ALWAYS tries to clean her place before guests arrive. Note the key word “tries.” Then she added that she’ll shave her cats and hire a maid service, and not to be surprised if her cats magically had all their hair back come the weekend we had settled on. If you can’t tell, this was heavy sarcasm. First off, the fact that she had to point out that she always tries to clean her place annoyed me because it’s a lie, unless cleaning house doesn’t include dishes or taking out the recyclables. Second, I can take a joke, but the sarcasm regarding her cats and a maid service was not only unnecessary but also showed me her true unwillingness to take my request seriously. For those of you who’ve had sinus infections or have allergies and no medication seems to offer relief, it’s no fun having your face hurt and not being able to do anything about it.

In any case, I ignored the sarcasm because I know that’s how her personality is. Next came the discussion of who would pick up who, what routes to take, etc. and after much discussion and a period of silence, I decided to make an executive decision: to have Jerad pick me up late afternoon that Friday so we could go up to Gia’s, and Gia could pick up our other friend around the time he was done with work. Well, earlier Gia had mentioned that she could get off work at noon and in my executive decision, I mentioned that she could use that extra time to clean her apartment before getting our other friend, not in a mean sort of way. I just know she’s busy with a full time job and she’s very tired after work and I understand that sometimes you just don’t have the energy to do something. Plus I’ve heard her mention to me several times she “ran out of time” or “didn’t have the energy” to clean the place up. So my suggestion to use the afternoon to clean was meant to be helpful, not hurtful.

Gia takes it as hurtful and responds with a photo that said, “Bitch, don’t tell me what to do,” and that I am not ok with her place and if the other two can think of a better place to meet, that would be great. To which I responded that I just wouldn’t come if she was going to be that way about a simple request. It should also be noted that I’ve been having an anxiety attack for about an hour and both of my parents have seen it and been trying to council and console me.

The next day Gia sends a message to all of us to “disregard and cancel all plans made yesterday. I forgot I had babysitting duties that weekend.” My first thought: Are you fucking kidding me? You triggered an anxiety attack on me for nothing?! And of course, this is where I snapped and deleted her from all my emails, my phone, and my social media. And then the narcissistic manipulator comes out and sends me a long text the following morning with this great sob story about how I’m immature for taking her off my social media and that I’m not the only one with medical issues; how this could’ve been resolved by a little self awareness and we could’ve talked it out like mature adults. But the way she wrote it makes it sound like she’s the victim, the only one with hurt feelings, and she pulled Jerad into it by saying something along the lines of having to mention her own health issues because “a little birdy whom apparently speaks for you had to lecture me since you apparently do not comprehend sarcasm anymore.”

I mentioned before that I recognized her sarcasm and ignored it. However, the fact that she blatantly attacked Jerad for no reason really irritated me. First of all I’m sure he wasn’t actually lecturing her. He’s too nice a guy for that. And second, I didn’t ask him to speak for me. He did that all himself, for which I thanked him in genuine appreciation for because sometimes it’s hard for me to speak at all, especially during an attack. I’m glad he wanted to be an advocate for me.

Since receiving this long text, I have not responded or risen to meet her challenge. I’ve had several long internal thoughts of writing a revenge letter or something about karma being a bitch, but up until now, I haven’t written anything down. It should also be noted that she pulled this same kind of thing when we were living together and having all the tension. She messaged me a big long spiel about everything we were both feeling at the time and when I responded via the messenger that I felt the exact same way, her retort, in all caps, was “And yet no words!” I don’t remember what else she put with that but I was hysterical and bawling my eyes out because I was desperate to end the fighting and once I calmed myself down enough, I managed to go out to the living room by her and apologize, even though I wasn’t the only one at fault. (I never got an apology from her.)

So I know where this trap goes and although I may have lost a 10 year friendship, I’ve found something more important. Confidence, self respect, and freedom from my tormentor. Being that this year is meant to be about taking care of myself and finding new things about myself, letting go of this abusive friendship is refreshing and freeing, and I feel so much lighter now that it’s finally over. It might’ve been messy and volatile, but it’s done and over with, and that’s what matters. No one has the right to bring you down and make you out to be the bad guy when you’ve done nothing wrong, though I will admit I wasn’t perfect either and things could’ve been handled better. But your reaction to a situation shows what kind of person you are, and if you need to walk away before things explode, to avoid getting burned, then don’t be afraid to walk away. Some things just aren’t worth it.

Life of an Adult

Whatever happened to making simple, uncomplicated plans?

Oh that’s right. We became adults with jobs, and with that great responsibility came an inability to decide on anything without first thinking and overthinking all the possible outcomes. Plus having to ask off the necessary time just to be able to even plan something.

My “circle” of friends used to be able to make easy decisions and plans regarding a meet-up time. We would meet at someone’s dorm at a specific time, do something like go out to eat, and then come back and veg out or play video games or whatever. Even on days when some of us were working, we would go hang out where the person was working.

Now, we can’t even agree on a mode of transportation for how to get to the “central” hangout spot (which is Gia’s apartment and is generally disgusting), or a time to be there. We’ve been going back and forth for half an hour about when to leave, which route to take, who’s driving, how many vehicles will be taken, etc., etc. and all this going in circles is making me sick and tense and just downright annoyed. Why does being an adult make you so wishy-washy? At least when I’m contemplating and overthinking a situation, it’s because of my anxiety and fear is beating out reason with a hammer. Plus the weekend suggested was supposed to be the start of a two week endeavor with Jared, who wanted to hang out with me and do a Legend of Zelda series run by chronology (play all the Zelda games in his possession in the order they were first released), and now that’s been pushed back by those two weekend days.

And on top of that, when I asked politely if Gia could clean her apartment because of my allergies (which is more or less true and a genuine concern for me), I received a semi-genuine response (I think) and two sarcastic ones indicating she would shave her cats and hire a maid service, and to not be surprised if her cats magically had all their fur back by the time we visited. Not only is this an unnecessary response to someone who has been having some serious and constant issues with their sinuses this year, but it’s also not even funny. You think I would’ve asked if I wasn’t genuinely concerned about spending the weekend with an ice pack on my face because my sinuses hurt so much I can’t focus on anything but getting relief?

Now I’ve been told that this is what a narcissist would do/say, and I’m really starting to believe it. Every time Gia says she’s going to clean the apartment, she doesn’t and I end up grossed out by the stack of dirty dishes, scattering of cat toys, and pile of laundry that’s visible from the bathroom, but still disgusting nonetheless. I’m feeling like I need to take a shower already and this “gathering” isn’t for another two weeks. I was actually “done” with the conversation 10 minutes in because I was so exhausted. I’m the youngest of the group and right now, I’m feeling like the only adult here.