Lost and Found

Now that things have calmed down a little and I’m more level headed, allow me to give you a little context for my recent explosion.

Monday morning I was sent a group text by Gia about getting together for a summer hangout time, since all four of us were home/in the state (we have a mutual friend who’s going to school in Arizona right now). Along the way of deciding dates and such, I made a simple, polite request for Gia to clean her apartment because of my health issues (allergies, mostly). I even included a remark that my allergies had been getting worse and that anything from animal hair to dust to pollen was aggravating my sinuses. And I knew firsthand that I wouldn’t enjoy myself if I had to spend most of the weekend with an ice pack to my face. Here’s where the first of the sparks fly.

Gia’s first response was half-heartedly sincere, but she had to point out that she ALWAYS tries to clean her place before guests arrive. Note the key word “tries.” Then she added that she’ll shave her cats and hire a maid service, and not to be surprised if her cats magically had all their hair back come the weekend we had settled on. If you can’t tell, this was heavy sarcasm. First off, the fact that she had to point out that she always tries to clean her place annoyed me because it’s a lie, unless cleaning house doesn’t include dishes or taking out the recyclables. Second, I can take a joke, but the sarcasm regarding her cats and a maid service was not only unnecessary but also showed me her true unwillingness to take my request seriously. For those of you who’ve had sinus infections or have allergies and no medication seems to offer relief, it’s no fun having your face hurt and not being able to do anything about it.

In any case, I ignored the sarcasm because I know that’s how her personality is. Next came the discussion of who would pick up who, what routes to take, etc. and after much discussion and a period of silence, I decided to make an executive decision: to have Jerad pick me up late afternoon that Friday so we could go up to Gia’s, and Gia could pick up our other friend around the time he was done with work. Well, earlier Gia had mentioned that she could get off work at noon and in my executive decision, I mentioned that she could use that extra time to clean her apartment before getting our other friend, not in a mean sort of way. I just know she’s busy with a full time job and she’s very tired after work and I understand that sometimes you just don’t have the energy to do something. Plus I’ve heard her mention to me several times she “ran out of time” or “didn’t have the energy” to clean the place up. So my suggestion to use the afternoon to clean was meant to be helpful, not hurtful.

Gia takes it as hurtful and responds with a photo that said, “Bitch, don’t tell me what to do,” and that I am not ok with her place and if the other two can think of a better place to meet, that would be great. To which I responded that I just wouldn’t come if she was going to be that way about a simple request. It should also be noted that I’ve been having an anxiety attack for about an hour and both of my parents have seen it and been trying to council and console me.

The next day Gia sends a message to all of us to “disregard and cancel all plans made yesterday. I forgot I had babysitting duties that weekend.” My first thought: Are you fucking kidding me? You triggered an anxiety attack on me for nothing?! And of course, this is where I snapped and deleted her from all my emails, my phone, and my social media. And then the narcissistic manipulator comes out and sends me a long text the following morning with this great sob story about how I’m immature for taking her off my social media and that I’m not the only one with medical issues; how this could’ve been resolved by a little self awareness and we could’ve talked it out like mature adults. But the way she wrote it makes it sound like she’s the victim, the only one with hurt feelings, and she pulled Jerad into it by saying something along the lines of having to mention her own health issues because “a little birdy whom apparently speaks for you had to lecture me since you apparently do not comprehend sarcasm anymore.”

I mentioned before that I recognized her sarcasm and ignored it. However, the fact that she blatantly attacked Jerad for no reason really irritated me. First of all I’m sure he wasn’t actually lecturing her. He’s too nice a guy for that. And second, I didn’t ask him to speak for me. He did that all himself, for which I thanked him in genuine appreciation for because sometimes it’s hard for me to speak at all, especially during an attack. I’m glad he wanted to be an advocate for me.

Since receiving this long text, I have not responded or risen to meet her challenge. I’ve had several long internal thoughts of writing a revenge letter or something about karma being a bitch, but up until now, I haven’t written anything down. It should also be noted that she pulled this same kind of thing when we were living together and having all the tension. She messaged me a big long spiel about everything we were both feeling at the time and when I responded via the messenger that I felt the exact same way, her retort, in all caps, was “And yet no words!” I don’t remember what else she put with that but I was hysterical and bawling my eyes out because I was desperate to end the fighting and once I calmed myself down enough, I managed to go out to the living room by her and apologize, even though I wasn’t the only one at fault. (I never got an apology from her.)

So I know where this trap goes and although I may have lost a 10 year friendship, I’ve found something more important. Confidence, self respect, and freedom from my tormentor. Being that this year is meant to be about taking care of myself and finding new things about myself, letting go of this abusive friendship is refreshing and freeing, and I feel so much lighter now that it’s finally over. It might’ve been messy and volatile, but it’s done and over with, and that’s what matters. No one has the right to bring you down and make you out to be the bad guy when you’ve done nothing wrong, though I will admit I wasn’t perfect either and things could’ve been handled better. But your reaction to a situation shows what kind of person you are, and if you need to walk away before things explode, to avoid getting burned, then don’t be afraid to walk away. Some things just aren’t worth it.

Weight Loss: The Never-ending Struggle

Let’s face it: not everyone is happy with their bodies, and unless you were gifted with the metabolism of a five year old and can get away with eating whatever you want, whenever you want, and as much as you want, you may have dealt with, or know someone who’s dealt with, the struggle of weight loss at least once. I’ll admit I’ve been struggling with it my whole life and it never really seemed to bother me until middle school. And then in college it really started to bother me, because I spent a lot of time alone for six or more months and did a lot of stress eating. None of my clothes fit and I had to keep going up in sizes. I wasn’t really happy with anything about myself.

Then halfway through my sophomore year of college, my doctor at the time told me to lose 50 pounds in 6 months. I was like, yeah right, lady. First off, since I was literally fighting genetics, it was going to be more of a cliff scaling battle for me than a gentle, sloping, uphill battle. Second, the most exercise I did on a daily basis was walking from one end of campus to the other. But I decided I at least needed to try. So I started eating a little healthier (or as healthy as school food goes) and I tried taking the stairs more often, which in my case, meant walking up five flights and taking the elevator the rest of the way since I lived on the tenth floor. And I talked my roommate (Gia) into going to our health and wellness center for weekly Zumba classes. Which turned out to be a lot of fun. I absolutely loved them. By the end of the semester, I had managed to lose 20 pounds and I was super proud of myself for that. I tried to keep it up the rest of my college life.

Fast forward to after graduation. Gia and I found an apartment together and because of where she worked, she discovered this smoothie place which was supposed to be really good for you and the smoothies were like meal replacements. I had a good job at the time and decided to try this fad diet. Well, as it turns out, it was just a fad. I managed to get back down to my high school weight and was wearing clothing sizes I had never worn before. But after I lost my job and could no longer afford to pay for the stuff, I gained back everything I had lost, plus a few extra pounds, just from eating real food instead of drinking two of my meals. It was awful. And then on top of that, the falling out had begun and I was stressed out and stress eating again, even though I was still trying to work out in my room by doing stuff like pushups, sit-ups, etc. Now, since living at home, I’ve managed to keep a (semi) regular routine, though it varies week to week and I’ve found two things I never thought I would enjoy as much as I do. Yoga and Pilates. Yoga is more for pain relief and stretching tight muscles and Pilates is for toning, weight loss, and general overall fitness.

That being said, over the past five months I’ve noticed a trend. I’m neither losing nor gaining weight. I’m maintaining it. Which, honestly, after 10+ years is kind of a relief. Am I happy with my current weight? No. But I’m stronger than I was then, I’m more flexible than I’ve ever been, and I’ve also been able to step back a little and find what makes me beautiful in my own eyes, which I’ve never been able to do until the past few years. I’m chubby. My best friend will say I’m not but I am. I like to think I’m cuddly and plush, and besides my sinus problems, which were gifted to me by my mother, I’m the healthiest one in my family, aside from being overweight. But I keep pushing myself to try and be better. Most days, that means just finding the energy or the will to work out, and most times I feel better afterwards, albeit sore and sweaty. And I think what’s hardest about learning to love yourself, is seeing what’s beyond the mirror and into what makes you special. Your shape and weight do not define who you are. I’m overweight and I love to work out and eat healthy foods like salads and fruits and veggies, but I also like my junk food. I’m addicted to Pringles and chocolate. But my weight isn’t going to define me. It’ll just push me to be stronger and to do better for myself, because I’m the only one who can. Fad diets are only good if you stay on them. And only you can decide what makes you happy, if you’re willing to look past the mirror and see the beauty within. Much love and respect ❤

Back to Normal

**Possible Trigger Warning. Please read with caution.**

This past week has been a bit nightmarish for me, partly because both of my parents were home on vacation, there wasn’t a lot to do at work, and I wasn’t feeling all that great from Thursday through today (I’m still a little under the weather, but functioning more normally). One of the oh so fun advantages of having a dust allergy is when you play in the dust for spring cleaning, your sinuses flare up for several days. And in my case, literally nothing helps the pain in my face go away, and the one time I tried to take painkillers, I ended up throwing them back up five minutes later because the nausea was so bad. Though I did feel better after that…On top of all this, I’ve been overly lethargic and sleepy and lacking all energy to do much of anything, and I haven’t been able to figure out why, though right now I’m feeling more like myself. It’s possible it was the disruption in my usual schedule, which is the most likely trigger, and this past week got me really thinking on what my unique anxiety related triggers are.

First and foremost, as much as I love them to death, my parents can both be triggers, especially if they are together. For me, their energies can clash, which puts a lot of strain on my mental state. Dad is generally more laidback, calm, and likes to watch tv a lot, but at a volume that is louder than I usually prefer. Mom can be kind of all over the place and chaotic, trying to do half a dozen things all at once and then getting more agitated when she hasn’t gotten any of them done. Having them both together can be like standing in a hurricane of energy with no protection and I found myself more often than not looking for solitude to refocus and re-energize myself. That being said, on any given day, I can be either one of those similar energies. I’ll have days where I want to be super productive and get lots of things done, and then I’ll have days where I just want to lay down and catch up on whatever shows I have recorded.

Second has got to be work, and sometimes lack thereof. For a work from home job, you wouldn’t think it would be all that stressful, but at times it really is. We have deadlines to meet, quality standards to meet in specific time limits, etc.  And when there’s a lack of work, it really upsets my schedule, because I can’t just assume nothing is going to come in during the day. I have to leave my schedule open so I can check periodically through the day for any work that comes through. Like today. I’ll be checking periodically throughout the day. And last July, work was the cause of my two worst anxiety attacks, because they happened within 12 hours of each other, which had never happened before, and has not happened since. The only thing that really helps here is, when there’s no work, to find something to occupy my time, like crocheting, video games, reading, writing, etc. And when there’s a lot of work, it helps to take mini breaks throughout the day not only to give my eyes a rest, but also my mind.

The rest of my triggers are more situational and less all-encompassing. Like large crowds, which I tend to avoid if I can, though doing chores like grocery shopping can be a bit overwhelming if I don’t have a plan for it (like listening to music while I shop). Other triggers can include loud noises (especially if I’ve been sitting in silence or quiet music all day), being around people I don’t know, being around loud and extremely abrasive people, any kind of change to my schedule (not just work related, but things like an impromptu lunch date or unexpected visitors), being around a former abuser (Gia), making phone calls, doctor visits, and pretty much anything that makes me feel pressured to do something or be someone I’m not.

The calming “antidotes” for each of these situations are as varied as the situations themselves. Stuff like phone calls and doctor visits, the best way to get over the anxiety is just to go through with it, which I know doesn’t always work for everyone. However, with phone calls, I generally keep them under three minutes. Journaling and listening to music are my biggest forms of therapy, because I can listen to my soothing (or not so soothing) music and write down everything I’m thinking, just to get it out of my head and stop myself from circling back on it and obsessing over it. Video games are another great form of stress relief for me, as is having my best friend to talk to.

So as this week starts with my parents going back to work, I’m looking forward to going back to a more normal daily routine and less stress on this happy hermit. ❤

Hoarding

**TRIGGER WARNING; Please read with cautious.**

This is kind of an awkward topic for me to discuss, not because I myself am a hoarder, though I will admit I may have some hoarding tendencies. I mean, I have an entire dresser full of random miscellany that some people would probably ask, “Why are you keeping this stuff?” Some of it is books I bought for research that wouldn’t fit on my bookshelf because of how tall they are. Some of it is coffee mugs I can’t use until I move into my own place again. And some of it is random collectibles from my childhood that you can’t find anymore and I can’t bear to part with it. However, all of these things have a place that is out of sight and not cluttering up my room, and I know what’s in each drawer respectively. I have obtained my father’s OCD about organization and I can’t stand a lot of clutter so my room is fairly organized with a minimal amount of chaos, and I do get rid of things from time to time. Like the half a dozen scented candles I’ve never burned that were given to me and I can’t use often because of my mom’s allergies.

That being said, my mom is the total opposite, though her hoarding hasn’t yet gotten to the point of looming towers of stuff and a foot of garbage, etc. But she has a crafting room which used to be an office downstairs. Her crafting stuff has spilled out into the rest of the basement in various locations. Now, her stuff is semi organized because I have tried on multiple occasions to help her sort and organize everything so it has a place in the crafting room, or the large “playpen” which is just like a wire crate on wheels. Yesterday, I was helping her clean again (this being probably the third or fourth time) and I wanted to start small, since I recognize her hoarding and I’m not sure she does and I didn’t want to push too hard because I know it’s not something she can necessarily control. So I decided we would start with the bookshelf, because it’s full of books I’ve never seen her read. Most of the religious type books did leave the room and she’s intending to donate them to a religious organization just two hours from us. Which is good; I honestly wasn’t expecting her to get rid of those. She also found a bunch of books and supplies that went to our local elementary school. I was also watching her go through huge stacks of paper detailing various crochet and quilting patterns, deciding which ones to keep. Now, she did throw a bunch away, but she also kept a few that I separated into two binders for her, one for crochet and one for quilting.

What really bothered me, though, was the fact that she wanted to keep what I estimated at being around 20-30 hardcover books on quilting. I’m not a quilter. My mom is fairly new to quilting; I think she’s made two or three quilts, with help from friends. I couldn’t understand why she wanted to keep ALL of these books and her excuse was, “They have a bunch of cool patterns in them.” My first thought was, “That’s not a reason to keep ALL of them when you have so many other projects to do.” (Although, having read through this again, I realized I might have 10 or so books on writing and improving my writing craft). One of mom’s projects is the “confetti” quilt. -_- She has a small bag of random, tiny, tiny bits of fabric that to a normal person’s eye, looks like garbage. It’s not usable because it’s so small. It’s her bag of “remnants” and I don’t know why she wants to keep them other than for this quilt she hasn’t even started yet. It almost felt like she’s afraid she’ll run out of projects.

But she also has at least 40 projects going on right now and between her job, my grandma, and her work at home like dishes and cooking, she’s stretched pretty damn thin. And I’ve been trying to help out more so she has time for these projects. I’ve done their laundry the last several times. But the thing is, she’ll start a project, leave it for a couple weeks because she’s too busy, forget she has it, and then start on a new one entirely. It’s maddening. So I’m going to try something with her, and we started it yesterday, where I have her make a list of her top five quickest, or highest priority projects, and she’s only allowed to work on one of those five projects at a time. When she’s finished all five, she can add five more to work on. I’m not sure whether it will work, but she’s made the list and agreed to it, so we’ll see what happens. And I’m a huge fan of this to-do list idea; it works great for me and I try not to fret when I don’t finish everything on the list (usually my lists are for daily accomplishments). So I will try to be patient with her, and I know that in starting to sew myself, I can see how this becomes a dangerous and slippery slope, having been in the store picking fabric twice already. But my plan ideally is to use fabric she already has before going to get more, because my mentality is do I need this right now, and am I going to use it right away?

To the untrained eye, her crafting room looks like chaos. To me, it still looks like chaos, but chaos that has been semi organized by me. As a whole, it’s still not ideal, but for now, most everything has a place and it’s not as all over the place as it was. And that’s a good start.

Projects

This weekend promises to be one full of projects for me and my family. For me, I’m working on another test crochet hat for my best friend, which is proving to be a challenge but nothing outside my skill range. It just might take me a little longer to finish than the previous hat I made. Right now, it looks like a very fancy coaster.

I’m also planning to spend my weekend playing more Final Fantasy and trying to advance the current game I’m in so I can get on to the next one, because after the next one, I’ll be able to play one I really enjoy. Also, when I’m taking some breaks throughout the day, I might try doing some more sewing things. When my mom gets home, maybe we can pin fabric to the patterns we’ve cut out. Or we might do that tomorrow instead of Saturday. Although, Saturday I might pop into the store my mom works for to see what a four-hour class on journaling entails. I’ve been laughing about that all day. Like seriously? I’ve been journaling since I was 11. It’s not that hard and certainly doesn’t require four hours to learn. I mean, in four hours, I could probably have 10 pages done, along with a hand cramp and a blister on my ring finger where my pen sits.

Now, I don’t mean any offense by that. Journaling is basically the same as blogging, but maybe more personal. You find some paper, or a word document, and you start writing. If you want to get extra fancy, you can get colored pens, gel or otherwise, stickers, glitter, etc. and go all out like you would a scrapbook. And if you write like no one’s going to read it, you’ll never run out of things to say.

That being said, my list of projects might continue into next week, which I’m actually dreading. Both of my parents are planning to be off work that week and I might love them both to death, but I enjoy my solitude when I’m working. I don’t like having the tv on, partly because daytime tv sucks and partly because I don’t need the added eye strain, and also, because of the month, I might be forced to watch A LOT of basketball. Bleh. Plus I don’t like the volume at which dad needs it because he’s losing his hearing and the noise is jarring on my nerves. And I don’t think they will be spending the entire week cleaning the basement, even though it probably needs a solid week of cleaning. I only have Monday off and I’m planning to help them clean our Christmas collection, because it’s very large and I want to help figure out which ornaments are mine so we can separate them from my brother’s.

If I actually get through all of these projects, or at least put a sizable dent in their progress, it will be a miracle, but I love being busy and for me, relaxing is playing video games or crocheting or writing. Basically any of my hobbies, I find relaxing.

What Motivates You?

Today’s post is about motivation and in part, procrastination. I am a master procrastinator, I can find a dozen different excuses or tasks to put ahead of something that could be very simple but not something I really want to do.

For instance, the game I’m currently working on is not one I particularly like in the Final Fantasy franchise, but as part of my year long run, I have to play it all the way through. Now, I did better on getting further in the game today than I did yesterday and I think part of that is from the caffeine kick from a Mountain Dew Livewire I drank this morning (which I don’t normally do; I’m not huge on caffeine.). But a couple weeks ago, I could not find the energy or desire to play this game. I think part of me was just burned out because I had blown through the three prior to it and it was all I had been playing for two months. So yes, it is possible I was just burned out by the series.

That being said, after struggling through a week of not wanting to play this game, and having watched Jared play something different while he was visiting me, I decided to start my own run of the same game he was playing. As of right now, I’m about two-thirds done with that game, but it’s easy enough to pick up where I left off (because it actually tells you what your next task is on the load screen) so I’m not worried about forgetting my place. And I think playing something a little more interaction helped clear my head of the cobwebs and dust clouding it from playing these other games so now I’m more motivated to play, even though I don’t really want to sometimes. Like I said earlier, it’s not one of my favorites in the series; if you asked me to rank them, this one would probably be in the bottom five. It’s not a bad game, just not one I enjoy either.

If you’ve been following along from the start of this blog, you’ll also know that I have been trying to schedule more writing time into my daily schedule because, again, my writing generally was taking a back seat to everything else and I couldn’t let that happen anymore. And while some days I forget it entirely, and thus make time for it the next day, I have been keeping up with my writing, even if I’m not posting something here. Like for example, right now, or rather earlier in the day, I was working on a detailed outline/synopsis for my personal novel because I discovered that both my bestie Arabella and I were very confused by all the varying changes (since I’ve been working on this since high school and it has gone through at least 15 different drafts). Plus there have been new, deeper character developments that have to get incorporated, which will be a challenge in and of itself. So I started that on Friday and was working more on it today, only to find out I screwed up the new stuff today and had to start over because I missed some crucial stuff while I was putting down information on the next chapters.

Needless to say, completely finishing this novel is going to take a hell of a lot more work than finishing a video game, but I know it’ll be worth it once I put my nose to the grindstone and put my best effort forward. Even though I have a dozen other smaller projects to work on…But that’ll be a post for another night.

Over to you! What motivates you to do something you don’t want to do? Or even something you do want to do? I’m curious to know! Much love ❤

**

So after posting that first half, it occurred to me that I didn’t really answer the question about what motivates me! I guess what motivates me most is the feeling of accomplishment, of having done something you didn’t think you could or were told you couldn’t do. That’s probably more for the writing aspect of it. For the gaming, it’s more about being able to move on to the next game and the next game. Once I get to the games I enjoy playing and haven’t played in a while, it’ll be easier to play longer and more often because I’ll want to. As opposed to having to play because of the time crunch. For other, smaller projects, my motivation is getting them done quickly to move on to bigger projects that might be more fun to do, or not, depending on the project. Or in the case of working out, feeling good afterwards, and more flexible and/or strong. It’s all about feeling good, no matter what you’re working towards. If you don’t feel good about something, put it aside and come back to it later. So there you have it! What motivates me. Have a good night! ❤

Too Little, Too Late/Making Plans

I know today isn’t my usual posting day, but I have a fun story to tell from yesterday. I was visiting my cousin-in-law and her new baby with my mom, and I was texting my friend Jared, who lives in the area, but was in school. We have this thing that if we’re passing through the area, we text each other something silly like, “Waving hi from ‘x-city’, etc.” and so I texted him saying I was in the area. Anyway, as I’m sitting on the couch cuddling with my baby cousin, I get a message out of the blue from Gia saying something along the lines of, “Hey, I feel like I haven’t heard from you in ages. Just wanted to check in and see what’s up with you.”

My first thought was, “Oh, NOW you decide to message me, after we haven’t spoken directly to each other since January, and even then, I left early on New Years Day because I didn’t want to be around you.” I think I may have actually rolled my eyes too. In any case, I responded so as not to appear rude, and come to find out, the only reason she messaged me was to see if we could get together for lunch at the end of the month because she’s coming home for a family vacation. So, in all honesty, it’s not that she’s making any special effort to come and see me just for the heck of it. She’s only asking to see me because she’ll be in the area anyway. At least Jared and I make more of an effort to see each other just because. I’m actually thinking of planning a trip up there again soonish. Clearly, I was putting more effort into the former friendship with Gia than she was.

So my plan is to be busy on the day she wants to get together. Or, maybe I’ll go and rub my latest adventure in her face, since she couldn’t be bothered to give me a solid yes or no answer on the matter.

Now, for the other, happier part of this post. Wednesday night, my mother made the mistake of taking me into the store she works for in order to find a color combination of fabric I liked for a shirt they were doing as a demo for one of their education classes. We ended up getting fabric for the shirt, as well as three dresses, the pattern for which is for a different class at the same store. After we got home, she had me help her cut out the pattern for both the shirt and the dress, which actually wasn’t too bad, despite me having to use the scissors I’ve had since kindergarten. They’re literally four inches long and terrible for pattern cutting because of their size.

Anyway, we got the patterns cut and while I was actually in the store, I was very excited about picking out fabrics and thread and zippers, all that stuff to make clothes, and when I was looking for the adult Belle dress pattern, I ended up finding four cosplay patterns I really wanted. And the best part? I got the four of them (plus one other one, our own copy of the shirt pattern) for less than the price of one because they were all on sale. So super win there! I also mentioned that I would really like to learn to make my own cosplays because I’m kind of a weird shape, and a little on the larger side, and I don’t feel comfortable ordering from someone else without knowing how it’ll fit when I get it, especially since most commissioned orders like that are expensive because they’re all handmade. At least if I make it myself, I can try it on as I’m making it to see how it fits.

The problem with that is I don’t actually know how to sew…But mom told me she would be glad to start teaching me as soon as next week, since she has three days off (as of right now) and we can do little projects during my afternoon work breaks, and possibly at night when she’s home. I also got an offer from one of my new friends, Lucy from a previous post, to get together with her for a sewing day and she would help teach me how to sew. She tried to set up yesterday as our day, but I was gone most of the morning. 😀

She did mention getting together on Sunday, as that’s her usual day off, but I already have plans for Sunday as well, so I’m thinking about doing it the following Sunday, since that next Monday I’ll be helping my parents clean our mountainous Christmas collection. And I really would like to sew. Our home economics class in high school basically taught us how to handle a baby and how to cook. I’ve only hand sewn two things in my whole life and only because they were on a seam so it looked pretty easy. And to my knowledge, the sweater I sewed is still intact. So now, I would like to learn what I would consider another essential life skill, even if it takes me a little while to get the hang of it. Plus then, I can make my own cosplays and feel the same source of pride I imagine other cosplayers have after spending hours and hours of time on their own outfits. I have a deep respect for those people, and being among other cosplayers puts me in my element. Being able to make my own outfits would just add to the circle of my reinvention.