I wanted to write this for my best friend, to reassure her that no matter how many new friends I make, she will always be irreplaceable to me, and I know this will probably make her cry, but I want her to know just how much she means to me.
To my bestest of best friends,
I know you’re scared that I’ll make new friends and forget about you. I know you’re afraid I’ll leave you behind if something better comes along, because you don’t feel good enough. And I also know that the biggest regret I have was not staying in contact with you while I was away at college.
As I sit here, in tears myself, I think back to that feeling of utter loneliness my freshman year of college and how much time I spent by myself. How I would sit in front of my tiny tv eating popcorn, chatting with random guys online, and eventually ending up being emotionally and verbally (well, textually) abused by one of them. Your own posts detail a much worse situation during this same time period, but there is one clear message that I can take from both of our situations. We were miserable without each other, always looking and hoping for someone to see our pain and reach out to help us.
As it was, fate, destiny, social media…whatever you want to believe, brought us back together. We weren’t much better off, me being verbally and mentally abused by someone I had thought to be a friend, you under constant attack from your own family, but at least we had each other. And I appreciated every night I spent venting to you, even though I’m sure you got sick of it after awhile. I think I still have journal entries from that time and there was so much anger in me. But you listened and let me get it all out. Even now you still let me vent to you, and I want you to vent to me more, no matter how hard it is or how stupid it might sound. You walked me through one of the darkest times in my life and I regret not being there to help walk you through yours.
I’m stronger and more confident now because of your support. I’ve gained a little bit of trust that I had lost before, and I genuinely believe I can tell you anything and you won’t judge or criticize me. You might tell me I’m weird, but coming from you, that’s ok. We’re both weird. It’s part of why we work. Our demons get along swimmingly. You’re part of the reason why I started this blog. You opened my eyes to see the truly toxic people in my life and made me want to do better and be better myself. And I know you won’t stop pushing me to be my best because you can see the potential in me even when I can’t see it myself.
And even though we have our ups and downs, like when we’re fighting and not talking to each other, I remind myself that we’ll make it through the hard times too. Most times it seems like we’re not the ones fighting, but instead our own anxieties fighting against each other and making us think something’s wrong or off when it’s not. And that’s scary, because I always seem to know when I’m in the wrong after the fact and that makes me feel like an absolutely terrible friend, like I’m not good enough for you.
But I want you to know that I will always be there for you whenever you need me, to vent, to cry, to just talk. Whatever you need, I am here for you. I do care about you and your well-being, your mental state, and the environment you’re forced to live in. I care about your daughter as if she were my own. And I will always make time to see you and spend time with you. I love you so much and I can’t imagine not having you in my life, because you are irreplaceable to me. You are the best friend I’ve ever had and I will never be tired of reminding you of that. I’m grateful to have as awesome a friend as you. ❤