Waiting

Oh man, I am so bad with keeping up with this blog. Anyone else have that problem?? I really will try to post more.

I’ve been a busy bunny the past three weekends and while I had fun all three weekends, I am physically and mentally exhausted. So I’m thinking this next weekend will be a “me”-ekend instead of a “we”-ekend. Don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out with good friends and being part of a community of fellow nerds, but I haven’t had any time to decompress this past week because, well, technically both of my parents were supposed to be off work but mom got called in several days so it was just me and dad at home. And dad likes to have the tv on, which generally doesn’t bother me, because he watches stuff I don’t care about, but it’s distracting, it’s noisy, and in general, it’s just a completely different atmosphere than I’m used to when I’m home alone a lot. Hopefully this week will be better and I can have some quality me time.

So anyway, the reason for the title of this post is because my friend Jared was here yesterday and Friday because as a music teacher, he didn’t have school so he wanted to come visit. Well, as it turns out, Thursday he had found out some unfortunate news, which he said was a mutual decision, but it sounds like he will be looking for work at the end of the school year. So his visit was also kind of like a cheer-up visit after getting that news. Friday was all fine and well. He played games on a small tv he had brought with him while I worked and sort of watched him play. Saturday, however, he said he wanted to go to GameStop because they were having a Pokemon event and he wanted to check it out and maybe buy Final Fantasy XV (which is a great game, I highly recommend it!). Except he wanted to finish the game he had been working on, on Friday because he was doing a speed run.

Turns out he way, way, way underestimated the time it would take to finish the game and instead of being ready to leave at 1:30, we didn’t leave until almost 5. Now, having been told on Thursday he wanted to go to GameStop on Saturday, I was mentally prepared for leaving the house and come Saturday, when he told me 1:30 at the latest, I was also prepared and had that sort of nervous, anticipatory energy. See, I’m the kind of person that when I’m told I’m going to be doing something or going somewhere, I expect to do it immediately at whatever time is indicated and/or promised, and if it doesn’t get done when they say it’s going to be done, I get antsy and impatient.

So 1:30 comes and goes, and now I have all of this anticipatory energy racing through me, which makes me want to run laps or do something, anything to burn it off. I tried gaming for a little bit, and that didn’t really do much. I tried walking laps in the basement and that worked for a while, but got boring fast. I ended up taking my baby blanket downstairs to work on, since the baby it’s for will be almost two months soon and I need to get it finished, and the tedious, meditative actions of my crochet hook soothed me for a while. It didn’t completely quell my nervous energy, but it did give me an outlet to do something productive without requiring a lot of energy because to be honest, I already had a headache and my actual physical energy was pretty low.

We eventually went go GameStop, and then to Walmart, and somewhere for dinner, and to the uneducated eye, it probably looked like a date. It didn’t feel like a date, but that’s because I’m pretty sure he doesn’t see me in that light. However, he did say that it would be his treat since he made me wait literally all day to leave the house. I should’ve told him it’s rude to keep a lady waiting. But I didn’t say anything and as I was looking at the menu, I mentioned an item that sounded amazing; it was a personal pizza, and he actually said to my face, “You know you don’t have to be a cheap date, right?” First off, I wouldn’t have considered it a date in the first place. Second, I wasn’t mentioning it to sound cheap. I mentioned it because it sounded good and it might have been small enough for me to enjoy the whole thing without taking home leftovers. So, just to spite him, sort of, I got myself a small pizza so I would have food to take home, and which I am having for dinner today. We also got fried ice cream to share, which was tasty, but it wasn’t freshly fried and the size of the ice cream was as big as a baseball, which, after the dinner and appetizer we’d had, was really huge. By some miracle, we did finish it, but damn, that was a lot of food.

So yes, I’m confused, but as he’s one of three people I actually like hanging out with, I guess I’ll keep him. He normally doesn’t leave me physically and mentally exhausted, but this visit was different only in that I had a busy weekend last weekend and no time to really decompress this week with my parents being home. So this coming week and weekend will be full of me-time. No plans, no leaving the house, just me doing whatever I want, whenever I want.

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Don’t Be Afraid

I had meant to write this yesterday but I was still just flat out exhausted. Grocery shopping was enough to wipe me out, if you can believe it. So anyway, the anime convention I mentioned in a couple previous posts was this past weekend. I only went on Saturday, February 18th. And guess what? I went to it not only by myself, but in cosplay as well! I went dressed as Tifa Lockhart from Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children. Needless to say, this was kind of a scary endeavor for me because not only was I by myself but also in costume as well so I had to be my own handler.

But I did it. I was exhausted and sore as f**k afterwards, but I did it.

So the main reason I wanted to go was because some of my absolute favorite voice actors were going to be there. Two of them ended up canceling because their flights were grounded due to weather. Not a big deal, that was out of their control. But the one I wanted to see most was still there and I was determined not to miss him.

It was a little scary just walking in the building and trying to navigate my way around a place I had never been before, but I basically knew I had to be on the third floor to register and the escalators were right by the entrance so I went up and followed some other cosplayers right to where I needed to be. Easy enough. After I registered, I kind of wandered a little and eventually back to the registration area because it was right next to the vendor hall and I needed to find something for one of the voice actors to sign. The vendor hall was amazing, like this overwhelming labyrinth of anime, gaming, and general nerdy merchandise, and I did several laps. I didn’t buy as much as I could have, and probably would have liked, but I think that was mostly my subconscious telling me, hey, you still have to carry all of this around all day and you don’t have a lot of room in your bag. So I only bought three shirts for myself and a notebook for my bestie, which I was going to use to have one of her favorite voice actors sign.

So after finding some stuff, I started wandering the halls, 1. To try and find my panel rooms and 2. To waste time while taking pictures of cosplayers I really liked. I ended up taking like 70-some pictures and a couple videos, and that wasn’t even everyone I had wanted. There were a couple really excellent cosplays I didn’t get pictures of because I was either waiting in line or too tired to get up and ask them. One of the honorable mentions was a Bob’s Burgers family minus Bob. So it was Linda, Tina, Gene, and Louise, and the great thing was the “kids” were actual kids that fit the general age range of the show’s characters. I’m actually sad I didn’t get their photo because they were awesome. Other honorable mentions included a Super Saiyan God Mode Goku doing the power up Goku challenge, which was awesome; Vegeta in his pink shirt, which read World’s Greatest Dad on it; Noctis from FFXV; a group doing Ignis, Prompto, and Gladio from FFXV; some awesome Edward Elric cosplays; two members of the Elite 4 from Kill la Kill (the girl and the guy who loses his eyes, I can’t remember their names); several furries in their elaborate (and likely hot as hell) animal costumes; and several Steven Universe ones including a really awesome Pearl, Peridot, and a couple that was Pearl and Greg…? Steven’s dad, I think Greg is his name.

Ok, so I decided to head to the first panel I wanted to go to, which didn’t start until 1 and it was only 12:30. I am SO glad I went to wait in line then. The room ended up being packed to the brim with no empty seats. The girl I sat next to, both in line and at the panel, was very friendly and we chatted a bit. (I actually chatted with several people during the course of the day which was huge because I’m not usually very chatty with people I don’t know.) So this Q&A session was about 90 minutes long. It started a little late because of how many people they had to squeeze into the room, but it’s all good. I was in a seat second from the aisle so I had a pretty great view, and the best part was, the actor, Vic Mignogna, wandered the room while he talked. So I got some great close up shots that were not zoomed in because he was literally within arm’s reach of me. I got some great video too.

The reason for the title of this post actually comes from something Vic said when asked what advice he would give his younger self. His answer was to not be afraid, of how things turn out, of what’s going to happen next, etc. Don’t be afraid. And this really resonated with me, especially on this particular day, because for a good month or so I was afraid I was going to be coming  to this convention alone, even after finding some new friends who were also supposed to go and couldn’t due to financial struggles. And one day I just decided, I am going to go regardless of who is coming with me. And I did, and I regret nothing. I basically spent the afternoon with Vic because right after his Q&A session was his autograph session and I spent another hour and a half in line there.

So after an hour and 45 minute wait I got to meet, hug, take a photo, and get autographs from Vic freaking Mignogna!!!! If I weren’t so tired I’d have been screaming and crying, but I was exhausted. I ate some candy to try and soothe my starving stomach and charged my phone for Matt Mercer later. Unfortunately I didn’t make it as long as I would have liked. I decided to skip Matt Mercer because I was flat out exhausted with a food headache. And having been up 12 hours by the time I left didn’t help either. In any case, not only did I get some good photos and video of Vic Mignogna; I got his autograph both for me and my bestie, and I went to this convention by myself, had a blast, and got to hug Vic as well. And to my friends who decided not to go, I say suck it. You can never take away from the amazing experiences I had today.

So even though I was exhausted the next day to the point where even grocery shopping was too much, and I’m still sore all over today, especially in my legs, my back, my feet, and my left shoulder, which was carrying my bag all day, I have no regrets about facing this convention alone. I am sad I didn’t have the energy or strength to make it to the autograph session for the actor my bestie wanted, but after seeing the group of people already waiting, some of whom had been waiting since 3:30 and his session wasn’t until 7:30, and being told they had only let in 60 people the previous day, AND after standing in line for an hour 40 minutes for Vic’s autograph, I was wiped out and didn’t think I could handle another long wait on my feet, which I had already been on for 8 hours almost straight, just to be turned away at the door if they capped off his session before I got there. So I told my bestie I would try again another time and hope he came to the area again soonish. She understood.

I also know how jealous she is when I go to cons like this, and I try to rein in my enthusiasm some so as not to make her feel bad. But I also know that she knows I would take her to one in a heartbeat. Because taking her with me means really, truly, genuinely going in a judgment-free environment. That’s what these cons are supposed to be anyway, but certain people, like Gia, I feel would judge me six ways to Sunday for wanting to go to certain panels, or for liking certain things from vendors. At least with Arabella, she would be geeking out as much, if not more, as I am, and she would likely drag me to the panels I was curious about because that’s how awesome she is. She doesn’t care what I like and will join me in it because she wants to. Because she’s interested too.

So I’m going to pass along the message that stuck with me most from Saturday’s adventures. Don’t be afraid. If there’s an event you want to go to, a new relationship you want to work, a promotion you’re working for, a career change, whatever it might be, don’t be afraid of the outcome. Don’t be afraid to make the leap and do whatever makes you happy. Whatever happens will happen, and it might be scary at first, but it will all be worth it in the end.

Monday Musings Part 2

So that first post was less composed and coherent than usual, but again, I’m stuck in a bit of a block so I’m basically just writing what comes to mind. But then my bestie reminded me I have a few things to be super excited about in the future.

While I’ll be sad to be leaving here on Wednesday, I’ll also be happy to be going home because this upcoming weekend is the anime convention I’ve been waiting for for a month. I’m only going to be going on Saturday for the day because the group I was going to go with is having financial troubles and are no longer going, but I can still have fun by myself.

Speaking of, I just spent the last half hour highlighting my must-see panels and events from the posted schedule. I’m going to have a busy busy day!

I’m super excited to meet several voice actors from the Fullmetal Alchemist series, as well as see and possibly join a Final Fantasy cosplay meet-up. I have not yet decided whether I’ll be wearing my Final Fantasy cosplay, but if I am, then I can join in with the other Final Fantasy cosplayers. Plus all the other fun panels and vendors I’ll get to see and enjoy. I’ll have to really manage my time on Saturday.

On another note, my friend Jared bought us tickets to the Distant Worlds 30th Anniversary concert in September, and not just any tickets. He got us VIP passes, which means the concert tickets, a reception after the concert, a meet and greet with Nobuo Uematsu, the composer of a majority of the Final Fantasy music, and Arnie Roth, who helps compose and conduct the orchestra for the Distant Worlds shows, AND an autograph/photo op with both of them. Needless to say, when I got the message this morning that we had VIP passes, I screamed like a little girl and did a dance. I don’t even care that Gia is coming along. I can ignore her for an opportunity like this. Besides, I decided this year would be about doing more things I enjoy, even if I have to do it by myself.

In addition, I was doing some research and discovered that another pretty big convention will be coming to my area the following weekend, which is making my September look pretty epic. Plus I believe another local convention is coming in November that I also intend to go to as well. So yeah, with all of these upcoming events, my year is starting to look pretty epic and that’s pretty awesome. Have a good night, everyone! I’m off to get some work done.

Monday Musings

I missed my writing session last night because I was busy gaming and trying to get leveled up for the final two dungeons. I’m about ready to finish the game, though I’m not sure I’ll get to it while I’m still out here on my vacation. But I will get it finished this month at least. However, I will make up for my missed session on Wednesday while I’m flying home.

Tonight I was thinking about how I’ve really not gotten a lot of writing done while I was here, and how I really can’t write when the TV is on in front of me, though I’ve managed to work around that a little by forcing myself to focus on my laptop while I’m doing a chapter edit. But what I really think the issue is, is the huge block that drops into place in my mind when my bestie’s mom comes home. The tension in the air is palpable, which makes it difficult to concentrate on any one thing, and so, no writing gets done. The most writing I actually did was a few nights ago right as I was trying to go to bed. Because it was dark and there was a little girl sleeping in the room with me, I had to type it up on my phone, but I had two pretty genius ideas come to me right before bed.

It shouldn’t surprise me. Most of my best ideas come either before I go to bed or immediately after I wake up. Or in the shower. I get a lot of ideas in the bathroom as well…

Anyway, while I was working today, I had a few thoughts come to me about an older fan-fiction I wrote while I was in college and they actually pull the story together better than the original. I guess not working on it in six years really helped, especially since I’ve been pretty stuck on my own novel. Plus it’s good to try something new just to get the juices flowing in my brain. Hopefully working on fleshing these ideas out will help me figure out how to continue with my novel.

Update/Vacation Post

Hi again. Sorry it’s been a while. I’ve been enjoying some much needed time with my bestie and her daughter and I’ve been neglecting my blog.

So my doctor did not find anything wrong with my breast, which is great news. She gave me a prescription for birth control to try and ease some of the migraines I’ve been having before my period, and luckily, I did not have one this time. I had a minor headache, but I wouldn’t qualify it as being a migraine. So I’ll be taking those meds starting this weekend. And my doctor also changed my anxiety prescription from half a tablet to a full tablet, and for me to take it every day, which I’ve been doing and I feel so much better. I still don’t like the idea of being on prescription drugs every day, but if it makes me feel better, I guess I can be ok with that, especially since sometimes the anxiety springs up out of nowhere and my usual coping methods do absolutely nothing.

That being said, I still plan on using my regular coping methods of yoga, Pilates, meditation, writing, and video games to help lower my stress levels because I know they work. And maybe eventually, I can get myself off the medications again when I’m in a less stressful environment.

So my “vacation” isn’t really a vacation, as I am working while I’m here, but I enjoy the company. Watching a four year old is quite entertaining and noisy. And yes, she’s a huge ball of energy, which sometimes feels like she’s sucking the energy from us, but she’s so goofy. She always makes me laugh, and she’s a total ham when it comes to a camera. She loves having her picture taken and she loves videos of herself.

Spending time with her mommy is my favorite part. We’re like sisters and we don’t get to see each other as often as we’d like, so our time together is extra special. We help each other with our writing, we talk about everything in person (or via text if her mom is home), and we laugh at each other’s sometimes stupid jokes. It’s always good fun and I can’t get enough of hearing her laugh. I know she’s usually pretty stressed out and exhausted beyond reason and logic, and hearing her laugh makes me feel like I’m doing a pretty good job as a friend, that my presence helps her relax a little, even if it’s only temporary.

And with that, I’m going to try to do some more personal writing tonight as I had a few ideas last night for ways to fix a chapter I’m stuck on and I need to try and incorporate my sleepy ideas.

Taking the Plunge

I finally called and made an appointment to see my doctor about several things including my anxiety. The others include possibly getting back on birth control to help a hormonal imbalance that could be causing some painful new PMS symptoms (migraines to be exact) and a breast examination for my own peace of mind. I’m not sure whether there is something wrong but knowing that breast cancer runs in my family, I felt alarmed enough to make a call this morning to get in tomorrow morning to get it checked out. That alone is super scary for me, especially considering I’ve always been pretty healthy my whole life. And with my cousin being diagnosed with uterine cancer last year, it just feels like I’m in that particular age range to be susceptible and that scares me.

I’ll admit, I just took a couple minutes to frantically scan different sites and different symptoms to try and reassure myself, and my best friend is also trying to calm me down by telling me it’s not likely anything to worry about. And for now, at least, I now feel good enough to let go of all the worries and wait until tomorrow to see what happens. It won’t do me any good worrying about it tonight.

So with the possibility of getting diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, I copied the list of triggers for me from one of my last posts to have on my phone for when I’m asked, and also some notes about when specifically I’ve been getting these possibly hormone-related migraines. I’ve had migraines before, or possibly stress induced tension headaches, but I’ve never had the “aura” I always read about. Just when it’s really bad, I have an extreme sensitivity to light and sound, and I already have some light sensitivity most likely from the light color of my eyes (no idea whether that’s true or not). As I was making this list of dates and what seemed to provide relief, I noticed a definite pattern. That they all happened around the same days of the month, with the exception of one, but as it was the starting point and I wrote down exactly what happened, I can assume there was a slight shift in hormones that can account for the difference in the dates. Not surprising, since I’ve been monitoring them since September, but annoying nonetheless. And since I’ve also used birth control before to regulate my hormones, my hope is that getting back on it might make these migraines go away or at least a little more bearable. Especially since next week I’ll be traveling and not at home where I’m best prepared for it.

I’m a little scared about discussing my anxiety openly as well, mostly because I’ve never really done so in any great detail and I’m afraid of being told it’s nothing and to “lay off the caffeine,” which I’m not on. The only thing I usually take that has any caffeine in it is my PMS meds when my cramps are unbearable, and they’re usually not too bad. Plus I haven’t quite connected with this doctor yet like I did with my previous one, who moved to a different clinic, which forced me to have to find a new one on the fly. But so far, when I’ve gone to see her, her diagnoses have been accurate. First a sinus infection, and then the decision to send me to physical therapy to see if they could help with some minor pain in my knee, which led to the notion that it wasn’t actually my knee hurting, but something in my hip and after a week of some recommended hip exercises, I’m at a point where I barely even notice the knee pain I was having earlier. So as it stands, she’s two for two. Granted, my hip hurts a little more, but I guess when you’re trying to strengthen some muscles you didn’t know needed strengthening, a little pain is to be expected.

So yeah, tomorrow I am finally taking the plunge to see about doing what needs to be done to help me be a better me. Or to at least get some unanswered questions answered, hopefully. This being an adult sucks sometimes.

An Open Letter to My Best Friend

I wanted to write this for my best friend, to reassure her that no matter how many new friends I make, she will always be irreplaceable to me, and I know this will probably make her cry, but I want her to know just how much she means to me.

To my bestest of best friends,

I know you’re scared that I’ll make new friends and forget about you. I know you’re afraid I’ll leave you behind if something better comes along, because you don’t feel good enough. And I also know that the biggest regret I have was not staying in contact with you while I was away at college.

As I sit here, in tears myself, I think back to that feeling of utter loneliness my freshman year of college and how much time I spent by myself. How I would sit in front of my tiny tv eating popcorn, chatting with random guys online, and eventually ending up being emotionally and verbally (well, textually) abused by one of them. Your own posts detail a much worse situation during this same time period, but there is one clear message that I can take from both of our situations. We were miserable without each other, always looking and hoping for someone to see our pain and reach out to help us.

As it was, fate, destiny, social media…whatever you want to believe, brought us back together. We weren’t much better off, me being verbally and mentally abused by someone I had thought to be a friend, you under constant attack from your own family, but at least we had each other. And I appreciated every night I spent venting to you, even though I’m sure you got sick of it after awhile. I think I still have journal entries from that time and there was so much anger in me. But you listened and let me get it all out. Even now you still let me vent to you, and I want you to vent to me more, no matter how hard it is or how stupid it might sound. You walked me through one of the darkest times in my life and I regret not being there to help walk you through yours.

I’m stronger and more confident now because of your support. I’ve gained a little bit of trust that I had lost before, and I genuinely believe I can tell you anything and you won’t judge or criticize me. You might tell me I’m weird, but coming from you, that’s ok. We’re both weird. It’s part of why we work. Our demons get along swimmingly. You’re part of the reason why I started this blog. You opened my eyes to see the truly toxic people in my life and made me want to do better and be better myself. And I know you won’t stop pushing me to be my best because you can see the potential in me even when I can’t see it myself.

And even though we have our ups and downs, like when we’re fighting and not talking to each other, I remind myself that we’ll make it through the hard times too. Most times it seems like we’re not the ones fighting, but instead our own anxieties fighting against each other and making us think something’s wrong or off when it’s not. And that’s scary, because I always seem to know when I’m in the wrong after the fact and that makes me feel like an absolutely terrible friend, like I’m not good enough for you.

But I want you to know that I will always be there for you whenever you need me, to vent, to cry, to just talk. Whatever you need, I am here for you. I do care about you and your well-being, your mental state, and the environment you’re forced to live in. I care about your daughter as if she were my own. And I will always make time to see you and spend time with you. I love you so much and I can’t imagine not having you in my life, because you are irreplaceable to me. You are the best friend I’ve ever had and I will never be tired of reminding you of that. I’m grateful to have as awesome a friend as you. ❤