Yesterday I had an odd experience. I can’t really call it a moment because it lasted about 2ish hours, maybe 2 and a half. Now, I’ve had this happen before and it never really bothers me, other than the fact that I don’t get anything done, but this is usually from lack of energy rather than lack of desire or will.
So, yesterday was a slow work day. I think in total, I only had about an hour’s worth of work, which isn’t too big a deal. It happens from time to time. I decided to enjoy some of my downtime playing video games. Well, that lasted for a couple hours before my head started hurting and I came upstairs to lay down for a bit and check for work again. However, when I checked, and did the two things in that were available for me to do, then everything in me just kind of shut down. All I wanted to do was sleep. Ok, that’s not entirely true. I did have things I wanted to get done, like cut out patterns, maybe write, maybe go play more games, but it was like I lacked the will to do any of that. Not necessarily the desire. I did want to get something done, anything, really. But I couldn’t be bothered to move except to maybe roll over onto my other side while I was trying to nap.
Now I wasn’t really all that tired. I would say instead that I was “resting my eyes,” like my grandma always used to say she was doing. I finally get it, that that’s a legitimate thing. And since I work on a computer all day, resting my eyes is sometimes a huge relief. But what was most noticeable was that I had the desire to do things, since generally, during the day, I tend to keep busy with work. I even brought up some patterns to cut out. But I didn’t have the urge to get up out of the chair I was resting in to do any of the things I had wanted to do. I just sat and stared for a while, at the wall, at the floor, in the kitchen at mom…
I don’t know for sure what triggered this feeling of nothingness, but I do believe it had to do with the disruption of my work schedule and not having any work to do. I think it also could have been something related to Jared, who had texted me that morning asking whether anxiety attacks were different for everyone or if there was some kind of telltale sign of one, and I explained what I knew, using myself and Arabella as examples, especially since we have very different symptoms and triggers. He seemed to be ok when I texted him last night so that’s good, but now I have one more person to worry about.