Sorry for not posting for a couple days. One of my last writing sessions was moved due to me getting the opportunity to visit my new baby cousin. ^_^
When I was concocting this post in my head, initially it started as this long rambling tangent about the crappy morning I had had, which included waking up super early for no reason and then possibly having a panic attack in trying to fall back to sleep, but I’ll shorten it up for now.
So yesterday the one college friend that I still currently like, Jared, asked to come down to my house to watch the football game with me and my family. I hadn’t originally planned to watch it, but I was tired and told him sure, come on down, I could use a hug. (He gives really excellent hugs.) When he got here, and after I had come up from downstairs after shutting off my video game, we sat on the couch together watching the game. Now, a note about this guy: He’s the only straight guy in my trio of friends from college, and again the only one I’m on good terms with. And we’re friends, but it’s a tiny bit complicated. We’re pretty close as friends. We like a lot of the same video games, so when one of us gets really excited about one, the other shares in the enthusiasm. We’ve spent time together with just the two of us and have cuddled on a couple occasions. He also knows about and understands my anxiety, since I felt comfortable enough to tell him about it after he moved back here, which means he also knows about my issues with Gia, and he’s genuinely tried to smooth over some of the friction between us in a way that felt like he was swooping in to the rescue when she got a bit more sarcastic than was needed. And he likes a lot of my posts on social media, which at first struck me as odd because he didn’t do that when he was living out of state. I initially thought it might have meant something, but then I stopped thinking about it and went about doing what I normally do.
Now last night, he told me about this new girl he’s dating and hasn’t told many people about yet, and I’m ok with him telling me all this. He’s told me about pretty much all of his past girlfriends and how some of his issues with them arose and basically ended them all, including his recent engagement. Still not a big deal to me. I smile and nod and show genuine interest in what he’s talking about because I genuinely want him to be happy. But sometimes I also get on this train of thought of, “Why not me?”
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not actively pining for him, but for me the thought process of dating him is simply about convenience. I wouldn’t have to go through that awkward get-to-know-you stage, we already have a lot of common interests, and the things I know next to nothing about I try to show an interest in and not just brush it off as nothing. He knows about my anxiety and doesn’t mind it; he actually gets it and knows that I will do certain things because of it. And I’m a nice enough person. My sarcasm and snarkiness are not overdone and off-putting (I don’t think…), I have my own income, and we’re perfectly comfortable with each other on a lot of things. I think what bothers me most about his seemingly lack of interest in me is that sometime during college he was interested in dating Gia and after seeing what a disgusting slob she is, I’m a little hurt to not be noticed.
On the other hand, when he told me he wasn’t sure about telling Gia about this new girlfriend of his, it made me think that maybe he doesn’t want to attempt this “dating friends” thing again because this “fling” with Gia didn’t end well. I mean they’re still friends, but clearly there’s still some barriers between them. And I totally get that. Being as he’s one of three people I feel I can trust and tell almost anything to, I wouldn’t want to lose him as a friend either. So instead of letting these feelings linger, because this isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way, I used them as inspiration for a character in my novel who is in a similar situation, which gave me a chance to put into words exactly what I was feeling and make use of those feelings.